You know those little magnetic words that stick on a refrigerator so you can compose eclectic poetry? We had a set of those on a fridge on the back patio. When we got rid of the fridge, the magnetic words got thrown into a box, but left out back. When you have three dogs mysterious things happen to boxes left out back. To make a long story short, no matter how many times I clean them up, about once a week I will walk out back and a new word will be waiting for me on the patio. Today’s word was FLOOD. I had to smile.
I have just come through a week that was a flood of feelings. A real Tsunami. It started with a dull melancholy, turned into the blues, graduated to deep sadness and culminated in two days of non stop tears . If you had asked me why, I didn’t know. I kept in close touch with my sponsor. He told me I didn’t need to know why, that maybe I should just trust God and feel the feelings.
My husband was out of town, I was alone in the house for a few days, so that’s pretty much what I did. I laid on the couch and felt the feelings. I thought about my yesterdays, my todays and my tomorrows. On one of those days I got an email from Scott W that said “The painful times, when I must concentrate the most on the process of turning it over to God and of letting it go, have been when I have had the experience of such closeness to my Higher Power that it seems that something tissue thin is keeping me from reaching out and actually touching it.” That is exactly how it was for me. I felt God’s presence absolutely all around me, tissue thin, as though I could close my eyes and plunge into His comfort. But still it hurt.
Yesterday I woke up and it was gone. I’m at peace. I met with my sponsor last night. I told him my depression had lifted. He asked me why I was calling it “depression”. I have such a need to label everything. All I know is that something happened, it hurt, and now it is over. He asked me to consider if maybe at this stage of my recovery, on my spiritual path, I had just worked a profoundly deep sixth and seventh step. He is so wise. I re-read the seventh step in my 12 and 12 this morning. Everything that I reflected on, every regret, every sorrow, every hope and dream had given me a new humility and a new willingness to have God remove my shortcomings. Am I ready to relinquish my future to God’s plan instead of my material wishes? Am I ready to stop asserting my wishes and demands on my loved ones lives? Can I truly Let Go and Let God? Am I ready to truly accept my past as a gift that can be used in my helpfulness to others? I’m ready. What I thought was pain was catharsis. Amazing stuff, and I didn’t even see it coming.
I have just come through a week that was a flood of feelings. A real Tsunami. It started with a dull melancholy, turned into the blues, graduated to deep sadness and culminated in two days of non stop tears . If you had asked me why, I didn’t know. I kept in close touch with my sponsor. He told me I didn’t need to know why, that maybe I should just trust God and feel the feelings.
My husband was out of town, I was alone in the house for a few days, so that’s pretty much what I did. I laid on the couch and felt the feelings. I thought about my yesterdays, my todays and my tomorrows. On one of those days I got an email from Scott W that said “The painful times, when I must concentrate the most on the process of turning it over to God and of letting it go, have been when I have had the experience of such closeness to my Higher Power that it seems that something tissue thin is keeping me from reaching out and actually touching it.” That is exactly how it was for me. I felt God’s presence absolutely all around me, tissue thin, as though I could close my eyes and plunge into His comfort. But still it hurt.
Yesterday I woke up and it was gone. I’m at peace. I met with my sponsor last night. I told him my depression had lifted. He asked me why I was calling it “depression”. I have such a need to label everything. All I know is that something happened, it hurt, and now it is over. He asked me to consider if maybe at this stage of my recovery, on my spiritual path, I had just worked a profoundly deep sixth and seventh step. He is so wise. I re-read the seventh step in my 12 and 12 this morning. Everything that I reflected on, every regret, every sorrow, every hope and dream had given me a new humility and a new willingness to have God remove my shortcomings. Am I ready to relinquish my future to God’s plan instead of my material wishes? Am I ready to stop asserting my wishes and demands on my loved ones lives? Can I truly Let Go and Let God? Am I ready to truly accept my past as a gift that can be used in my helpfulness to others? I’m ready. What I thought was pain was catharsis. Amazing stuff, and I didn’t even see it coming.
