Tuesday, March 10, 2009

God Does Not Have Ears

I’ve always been fascinated by prayer beads. I don’t have any, but some of my friends do, and I have a blogging friend http://www.twelvebeads.com/ who makes beautiful beads, and someday I’ll indulge myself and buy some. I like to think about the ritual of saying a prayer with beads, fingering each stone and offering up a piece of my heart. I like the idea that each bead might represent something. I could use the beads as a gratitude list. I’d say a prayer of thanksgiving touching each bead as I think about all of the amazing things that I have been given in sobriety. My husband, my daughter, my home, my job, my family and friends. All of these things seemed lost to me years ago. I could use the beads to consider my journey, touching each bead and asking my Higher Power for knowledge of His will for me in each area of my life. Each bead could represent a family member or friend, or someone still suffering as I pray for God’s blessings on them.

Prayer has never come easy to me. My spiritual journey has been an intense evolution of discarding some childhood notions and establishing a new relationship with a God of my understanding. I see constant evidence of God in my life, but I want to feel connected. When I am alone, the conscious contact with God can feel elusive. More often than not while praying at night I fall asleep. (I trust the Lord knows I’m tired.) My husband and I have just recently started praying together. They are short, sweet prayers of gratitude. It is incredibly intimate to pray with someone you love. Awkward but intimate. When I pray in groups, it just feels like words. I sneak my eyes open and find other people feeling the same way.

There are times though when my prayer connection is absolute and overwhelming. These times are when I pray without words. I simply close my eyes, quiet my mind and offer up my feelings. I picture all of my joy, pain, confusion, hope, defeat, everything beaming straight up to God without one word spoken. I’ve decided that God does not have ears. I can talk to him heart to heart. But I do think I am going to get some beads.