I think I'll always look back at this period of my life and think of it as the “Season of the Second Step”. It seems like every day I have to rely on the assurance that God can and WILL restore me to sanity. You might think this would be a onetime event, and then we could all wash the holy water off our hands and go on home. But apparently I require restoration over and over. I seem to be slipping in and out of sanity, so to speak.
Insanity is a strong word, and I hate like hell to apply it to myself. The first time I worked my steps I thought it referred to all the “stuff” we did when we were out there drinking and using. It’s easy to look back at all of that wreckage and say “that’s insane; I must have been out of my mind.” Well, truth be told I was out of my right mind back then. But what about the insanity and wreckage that happens now in sobriety?
If I want to acheive and maintain emotional sobriety then I guess I better take a look at that wreckage and start cleaning house. Bill W. had something to say about emotional sobriety.
I can relate to that. I've been relying on people and circumstances to fill my needs and give me a sense of security in uncertain times. More than ever it is clear to me that I am powerless. Powerless over people, places and things. Powerlessness, the unknown, uncertainty ---these are words that strike fear in me. My response used to be medicate medicate medicate. Now my response is different. On a good day its prayer and surrender. On a bad day, everybody duck and cover.
It’s not enough just to be aware of the potential for insane behavior. Awareness and getting into action are entirely different things. When I read in the Big Book about the guy who put whiskey in his milk it tells us that “sometimes the insane thought wins out.”
It’s not enough just to be aware of the potential for insane behavior. Awareness and getting into action are entirely different things. When I read in the Big Book about the guy who put whiskey in his milk it tells us that “sometimes the insane thought wins out.”
Dr. Silkworth writes "The human mind has a marvelous ability to protect itself from outside influences. Although the conscious portion of the mind may have a sincere desire to find out what’s wrong and to it, the subconscious part will block any such effort by putting up a bewildering variety of misleading motivations, misinformation, and misdirections. The more important—the deeper—the particular hang-up is, the higher and thicker this wall will be. If the problem is big enough, the conscious thinking mind will not even be aware of its existence, and the mind that does become aware will still be powerless to do much about it."
Well, the mind alone may be powerless to do much about it. But I have a Power Greater Than Myself. So.... back into action, every step, fearlessly and thoroughly. But today, and for awhile I imagine, it’s the 2nd one that’s saving my life.
