No matter where I go, there I am….even in Paradise. I had a little meltdown at dinner the other night. The first week of our vacation is over. The second week we will be joined here by some of Patrick’s relatives from Michigan. They are fun people and I love them, so that’s not the problem. The problem is my own head. I got it in my head that we should go out to a nice romantic dinner to celebrate the end of our time alone together. I had the entire evening “scripted” in my imagination. The trouble started when I forgot to give Patrick the script.
I dressed up, put a flower in my hair, and we went to our favorite place here on the island. Everything was perfect, so far, so good. The sun was just setting, it was absolutely beautiful. Patrick grabbed the camera and said he wanted to get the sunset. He left the table and went upstairs to shoot the photos off the balcony. That’s when the script fell apart. I want what I want, and I want it now. I wanted to be the center of his world. I didn’t want to sit alone in the restaurant watching the sunset alone. When he came back to the table I treated him like he had been away committing an ax murder.
Amazing how quickly self will can ruin an evening. Amazing how quickly I can “forget” to be grateful and tolerant. Even more amazing it that I seem to need to learn this lesson over and over.
One of the blessings of a 12 step program is our 10th step. Sometimes I get to watch my behavior like it’s a bad movie, but the 10th step gives me a remedy. I can look deeper, I can see my part, and I’m not afraid to apologize and/or even laugh at myself today. I used to choke on apologies, it was so hard for me to admit my character defects. It’s easier now, because of YOU. I have learned that I am not alone.
The pictures he took are awesome. And today I’m feeling pretty awesome too. I’m not writing a script for tomorrow. I’m just going to BE HERE NOW, and wait for the miracles to unfold.
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Big Book pg 60
I dressed up, put a flower in my hair, and we went to our favorite place here on the island. Everything was perfect, so far, so good. The sun was just setting, it was absolutely beautiful. Patrick grabbed the camera and said he wanted to get the sunset. He left the table and went upstairs to shoot the photos off the balcony. That’s when the script fell apart. I want what I want, and I want it now. I wanted to be the center of his world. I didn’t want to sit alone in the restaurant watching the sunset alone. When he came back to the table I treated him like he had been away committing an ax murder.
Amazing how quickly self will can ruin an evening. Amazing how quickly I can “forget” to be grateful and tolerant. Even more amazing it that I seem to need to learn this lesson over and over.
One of the blessings of a 12 step program is our 10th step. Sometimes I get to watch my behavior like it’s a bad movie, but the 10th step gives me a remedy. I can look deeper, I can see my part, and I’m not afraid to apologize and/or even laugh at myself today. I used to choke on apologies, it was so hard for me to admit my character defects. It’s easier now, because of YOU. I have learned that I am not alone.
The pictures he took are awesome. And today I’m feeling pretty awesome too. I’m not writing a script for tomorrow. I’m just going to BE HERE NOW, and wait for the miracles to unfold.
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Big Book pg 60
14 comments:
Step 3.
Work it, baby!!
Even though you wrote in earnest...I had to laugh..because I get caught in that scenerio ALL THE TIME. Girl, we must start writting down for others what they are supposed to do!!!
Choking on apologies, that's me. Thanks for helping me today.
Geez Meg I wish I could be in a meeting andlisten to when you raise your hand and share. You have such wisdom and humility to offer. I love how you add humor to your experiences that are not "perfect" as self wants them to be.
I have yet to make it to step 10, however I am on my way, one day at a time, one step at a time.
Muah!
And this is just part of the reason(s) why I adore you, Meg.
G-d, I can't wait until the first weekend in September!!!!!!!!
Love,
Scout
Yeah, good old self centredness. the actor trying to run the show. yep. been there, done that. the ego is very petty isnt it? the thing is, we are all equally unflattering in these petty ways. its just human nature to try to control. the more fortunate amongst us have a vice like grip on our behaviours when some controlling tendency asserts itself. the rest of us, well we just say stupid things from time to time and feel a bit foolish afterwards. never mind eh? we're only human for gawds sakes.
DOH...*slaps forehead*...that's why people aren't doing what I want them to , when I want them to do it, I forgot to give them my script..
Yup, I know what ya mean Meg, d'ya wanna send God your script with me?
Love ya lots!
I know what you mean about suddenly not being the center of attention. Daave is right, step three all the way
Love it that we can promptly admit when we are wrong. And get on with life. Thanks for a great post.
I hear you Meg. I get these expectations of what something is going to be and when it doesn't happen, I take it personally. I don't do it as much as used to but once in a while I get stuck in the self-pity mood when things don't go the way that I want them to (with people mostly). I'm glad that you saw where you were going, evaluated it, and took a different route.
Oh my god, that is so something I would do!!! LOL. I was picturing you sitting there at the table, and I realized I was picturing me sitting at a table near you, and imagined us catching each others eyes realizing our respective husbands had run off doing the same camera deal.
Well, that at least gave me a good giggle of commisseration.
I'm loving reading about your vacation.
Oh yes scriptless days, I had to throw mine away yesterday. It was better afterwards.
pg. 449. sounds like you could have written that.
That sounds like what I do! Forget to give people my script. Isn't it nice you are at a place where you can apolojize gracefully, & laugh at yourself? It relieves the stress too. We don't need anymore stress in our lives today.
That is a beautiful sunset! Thanks for sharing it.
Love, Sharon
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