Floating On A Tidal Wave ....

Don't Give Up

2009-04-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

There was a lady in our women’s meeting tonight who sat next to me but kept her head down for most of the meeting. When they called for newcomers to identify, she reluctantly introduced herself. She wore despair and shame like a cloak. I had the strongest urge to reach over and hold her hand, but I knew that would really send her over the edge. I mean really…who does that?

It was a great meeting. There was a lot of laughter and some real heartfelt sharing. I could “feel” her next to me, and I noticed my focus shifting off of the meeting and on to her. I wanted her to feel something….anything….I wanted her to walk out of that meeting with HOPE.

When the meeting ended I asked her what she thought. “Did she like it?” She said “well no, it was too overwhelming.” I remember that feeling. She asked how long ago I stopped drinking. When I told her she looked sad. She said she would like to just be able to stop for 24 hours. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and coming from her pores. I told her I understood.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

from There Is A Solution Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

GRACE LAND

2009-03-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have these moments in life that I think of as “peak moments” – small experiences that may be insignificant and brief, but they touch my heart so profoundly that I know I will carry them with me always. I treasure my “peak moments”. They’re very personal, hard to explain, and I rarely speak about them. They are those “you had to have been there deals” that just don’t translate into words. I play them back like little movies sometimes, when I need comfort or renewed hope, or just to remind myself of how rich life can be sometimes.

I had a “peak moment” last week. My daughter was down from Seattle for seven days. She’s lived up north for three years now and we still suffer from separation anxiety. We talk daily and live this kind of calendar limbo thing where we count the months between trips. I think when we are finally together emotions run high. We’re happy, we’re sad, we share stuff, and we talk talk talk. If you’ve read any of my previous posts about her http://megmoran.blogspot.com/2007/01/pandoras-box.html or http://megmoran.blogspot.com/2007/03/uncle-randy.html then you know that she has had some challenges to face. She has had even more, but I wouldn’t write about her “stuff”. When she arrived this time she was dragging with her a bruised ego and broken heart, one of the worst I’ve ever seen. I wanted to hug her pain away. She’s also at a point in her life where she has some real important choices to make about her future. But oh, that pain………funny how when our hearts are broken we question and second guess everything – all of our choices.

So, back to that peak moment. We were on our way out to dinner, driving down the freeway. It’s late, its dark and the colored lights of businesses are flying by. My car is small and we’re sitting side by side, she’s not saying much. I punch on the radio and Paul Simon comes on singing Graceland. I reached over and took her hand, we listened to the lyrics and we drove on. That’s it. That’s my peak moment. See? I told you they don’t translate into words.

The song is about a guy whose wife has left him and he is broken hearted, so he is going to Graceland. His traveling companions are “ghosts and empty sockets”. He sings about a girl in New York City who calls herself the human trampoline. And I know my daughter feels exactly like that girl. But then he says when she’s falling, flying tumbling in turmoil she’s bouncing into Graceland. Graceland? I don’t think he’s talking about a place in Memphis. He’s talking about when you bottom out Grace saves the day. Finally he says there’s some part of me wants to see Graceland. And I may be obliged to defend every love, every ending or maybe there’s no obligations now. Maybe I’ve a reason to believe we all will be received In Graceland.

I thought about God’s Grace. How grace is always there for me and will always be there for her. I think Graceland is everywhere. I know I felt it last week on the 91 freeway.

Pill Anonymous

2009-03-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

I hated all the hoopla when Anna Nicole Smith died. The media circus was hardly tolerable. Sometimes I feel ashamed to even own a TV when coverage is so crude. But current events have caught my interest. Apparently Ms. Smith’s doctors are being held accountable for her death. Prosecutors allege that they "repeatedly and excessively furnished thousands of prescription pills to Anna Nicole Smith, often for no legitimate medical purpose." Now this is HUGE news, BIG HEADLINES. Anna Nicole Smith was after all a celebrity.

For the people at the Wednesday night Pills Anonymous meeting in Anaheim the news of Anna Nicole Smith’s overdose was not headline stuff. We didn’t even blink. We’ve buried friends. And doctors supplied our pills. Repeated and excessively.

Pill addiction is insidious. People don’t talk about it, but most know someone who is taking just a “few” too many benzos or opiates to manage their anxiety or pain. It’s one of those underground addictions that are hard for loved ones to gauge, especially confusing because prescriptions are written by doctors.

We know. We’ve been there. The Pills Anonymous introduction (read at the beginning of every meeting) says in part:

Although we have subjected ourselves to substances every bit as powerful as street drugs, our “Dealers” — sometimes knowingly, often unwittingly — were physicians and pharmacists, so we have usually had to commit few, if any, crimes to obtain our “fix.” Insurance companies often paid for at least part of our abuse. Our illegitimate activities were usually limited to acts which illustrate our astounding capability for deceit, such as getting prescriptions from multiple doctors simultaneously, stealing medications from our friends’ and family’s medicine cabinets, and occasionally forging prescriptions. We memorized the contents of the Physicians’ Desk Reference (PDR) so that we could precisely describe symptoms that elicited the prescription we craved. And above all, we hid our pills and our conniving not only from those who know us but, by denial and delusion, from ourselves.

The people who come to Pills Anonymous are just like the people who reach out to any other 12 step fellowship. We come together once a week to support each other, and work a program of recovery from using pills addictively. According to the SAMHSA Health Information Network one-third of all U.S. drug abuse is prescription drug abuse. And yet there are usually only about 10 people at our meeting. At the end we have a moment of silent prayer for the addict still suffering out there. I know there are a lot of them. I’m so sorry it is too late for Anna.

Addict Cats

2009-03-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

Well now we know where they go at night ..... and why they have such a bad attitude in the morning

God Does Not Have Ears

2009-03-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been fascinated by prayer beads. I don’t have any, but some of my friends do, and I have a blogging friend http://www.twelvebeads.com/ who makes beautiful beads, and someday I’ll indulge myself and buy some. I like to think about the ritual of saying a prayer with beads, fingering each stone and offering up a piece of my heart. I like the idea that each bead might represent something. I could use the beads as a gratitude list. I’d say a prayer of thanksgiving touching each bead as I think about all of the amazing things that I have been given in sobriety. My husband, my daughter, my home, my job, my family and friends. All of these things seemed lost to me years ago. I could use the beads to consider my journey, touching each bead and asking my Higher Power for knowledge of His will for me in each area of my life. Each bead could represent a family member or friend, or someone still suffering as I pray for God’s blessings on them.

Prayer has never come easy to me. My spiritual journey has been an intense evolution of discarding some childhood notions and establishing a new relationship with a God of my understanding. I see constant evidence of God in my life, but I want to feel connected. When I am alone, the conscious contact with God can feel elusive. More often than not while praying at night I fall asleep. (I trust the Lord knows I’m tired.) My husband and I have just recently started praying together. They are short, sweet prayers of gratitude. It is incredibly intimate to pray with someone you love. Awkward but intimate. When I pray in groups, it just feels like words. I sneak my eyes open and find other people feeling the same way.

There are times though when my prayer connection is absolute and overwhelming. These times are when I pray without words. I simply close my eyes, quiet my mind and offer up my feelings. I picture all of my joy, pain, confusion, hope, defeat, everything beaming straight up to God without one word spoken. I’ve decided that God does not have ears. I can talk to him heart to heart. But I do think I am going to get some beads.

Give It Away Or Choke On It

2009-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

I met a friend for coffee Saturday morning. A man was sitting outside of Coffee Bean reading by the entrance. I glanced at him and smiled. “Good book?” I asked. “Oh yeah” he answered and then launched into what can only be described as a ten minute rant about what he was reading and what is wrong with America today. Apparently (according to him) the poor and the middle classes are sucking the life out of this great country and the new administration is poised to give “it” (whatever “it” is) all away. I’m not good at confrontation, and I was not raised to be rude, but this was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I excused myself with something less than grace, made a mental note to say a prayer for his black heart and went on inside.

The next day at church was Compassion Sunday. That is the day when we feed the homeless and distribute groceries to anyone who needs help. They made an announcement that demand was unexpectedly up 60% and our supply was dangerously low. So an appeal went out to bring food for the bank next week. Is this what he meant? Is this the sucking?

As my husband and I left church we looked at the line of people waiting for meals and groceries. I saw myself in it. Before I got sober I used to take my little girl by the hand and we would go to a place called S.O.S. (Share Our Selves) They would give us peanut butter, bread, lettuce, and diapers…whatever. It helped. It helped a lot. Yes my own bad choices were the reason I was in that line. Yes I was an addict and my money was going to drugs. But I have to wonder if I had not been given that food, would I have the compassion today to turn around and give others food? If people had not helped and believed in me, would I know how to help and believe in others? Everything in this life is a circle and it starts with the compassion of my Higher Power’s Grace. He was working in my life long before I even got sober.

Who is to say that reaching out and helping someone now is a waste of effort or America’s money. In sobriety I have learned that in order to keep something I have to give it away. I would rather live with compassion as my guide than a black heart that is so wounded it needs to rant at strangers outside of a coffee shop on a beautiful day.

Wartime Prayers

2009-02-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

I honestly think that sometimes the best indication of what’s going on in America can be gauged by the spam we get in our email. For the last month my junk email box has been overflowing with three predominant themes: Emails advertising online prescription tranquilizers, replica Rolex watches, and Viagra.

Now, everyone knows that times are hard, and stress levels are at an all time high. But really, are Americans comforting themselves by putting on junk jewelry, getting stoned and screwing?

Wartime Prayers Paul Simon

Times are hard, it's a hard time

But everybody knows all about hard times.

The thing is, what are you gonna do?

Well, you cry and try to muscle through

Try to rearrange your stuff

But when the wounds are deep enough,

It's all that we can bear,

We wrap ourselves in prayer.

Because you cannot walk with the holy,

If you're just a halfway decent man.

I don't pretend that I'm a mastermind

With a genius marketing plan.

I'm trying to tap into some wisdom,

Even a little drop will do.

I want to rid my heart of envy

And cleanse my soul of rage

Before I'm through.

A mother murmurs in twilight sleep

And draws her babies closer.

With hush-a-byes for sleepy eyes,

And kisses on the shoulder.

To drive away despair

She says a wartime prayer

Take A Step Back

2009-02-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how much longer I can work in a drug and alcohol treatment center that is court ordered. Most of the women aren’t here because they’ve seen the light. They’re here because they’re feeling the heat. I haven’t worked with one yet that was really “on fire” for recovery. I don’t mean that to sound judgmental. Lord knows they arrive with a shitload of baggage and this is just another stop along the line. Some of them are just doing their time, they aren't really serious about recovery. It breaks my heart to know that there is a solution, and it is available to anyone with a little willingness and faith. I don’t know why some of us choose life and some choose the inevitable jails, institutions and death.

When they violate and leave, it seems there’s little or no hope for them……..And their children…what happens to those sweet children that had just begun to feel they had a safe place to lay their head at night?

I’m relatively new at this. I haven’t learned how to divorce my feelings from “the job”. I was warned in the beginning that I might eventually suffer from compassion burnout and wouldn’t feel anything. I’ve been doing this for a year now and (for me) it’s quite the opposite. I’m on compassion overload. Lately there has been one too many heartaches. I think I need to step back for awhile.

Point Blank Bruce Springsteen
Well I saw you last night down on the avenue
Your face was in the shadows but I knew that it was you
You were standin' in the doorway out of the rain
You didn't answer when I called out your name
You just turned, and looked away just another stranger waitin' to get blown away
Point blank, right between the eyes
Point blank, right between the pretty lies you fell
Yea point blank, you've been twisted up till you've become just another part of it
Point blank, you're walkin' in the sights,
Point blank, livin' one false move just one false move away

Cause point blank, bang bang baby you're dead.

Attitude Adjustment

2009-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

The more I listen to the news, the more powerless I feel. All I can change right now is my response. Here are some random acts of kindness that I will use to adjust my attitude.

Keep birdseed in the feeder
Smile at all the really old people I see
Ask store clerks how they are doing today
Hug my friends often
Take clothes to a charity
Take food to a food bank
Say something nice about someone I don’t like
Really listen to people
Take a pie to my fire station
Pass some favorite books on to friends
Make some music mix cds for friends
Visit a lonely person
Call my mom more
Let someone go ahead of me in line often
Forgive
Recycle
Tell others they matter to me

What About The God Deal?

2009-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

When I share with people that I’m in a 12 step fellowship they often ask about “the God deal”. It’s an interesting question, and my answer is probably never the same. My concept of spirituality and Higher Power evolves constantly, and of course it’s very personal. I think what many people really want to know, but hesitate to ask is “hey, if I go to AA do I have to get onboard with this whole God thing?”

My answer to that is “It may not be the whole God thing, but you’re gonna have to get on board with something.”

The good news is that each person gets to choose what that “something” is in the beginning, and then grow along spiritual lines. Maybe your spiritual awakening will be as literal as it sounds….your spirit will begin to wake up. After years of being absorbed with self you will realize you are not the center of the universe.

Being addicted is the highway of destruction. There are other highways. With a little willingness and without all that incessant mind chatter you might discover a new path. At the foundation of our program is the ability to choose and define our own Higher Power and our own concept of spirituality. It doesn't matter what religion we are (or aren't). It's a journey. Many of us have seen a lot of hell and we are looking for a little of heaven. In the end we’re all gonna have to serve somebody.

Bob Dylan Gonna Have to Serve Somebody

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

You might be a rock 'n' roll addict prancing on the stage,

You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage,

You may be a business man or some high degree thief,

They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief
But you're gonna have to serve somebody,

yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody,

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

You may be a construction worker working on a home,

You may be living in a mansion or you might live in a dome,

You might own guns and you might even own tanks,

You might be somebody's landlord, you might even own banks

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

Every Stone A Story

2009-01-19T13:27:00.000-08:00

I've been working for a year now in a residential treatment center for female alcoholics and addicts. The facility is a six month program for pregnant women or mothers with young children. It's one of the only places around here that a pregnant woman or mother can get treatment and bring her children with her. Many are jail releases; most are on probation or parole. All of them are addicted, lack parenting or any kind of social skills and arrive with a criminal record and a story. Their stories include trauma and despair, broken lives, broken families, broken hearts. The reunification with their children can be chaotic. They trust no one.

When I first started working here I was so naive. While I was studying for my degree in Addictions I imagined making a difference in lives. I based my imaginings on my years of twelve step meetings and sponsorship. I thought I'd go to work, bond with the clients, introduce the steps and save lives.

Reality in a treatment center like this is quite different. The twelve steps and bonding will be important to each client at some point, but the first order of business is to teach them not to put a fork in each other's eye in the dining room. The mothers need substance abuse treatment and counseling. The children need to be loved, nurtured and healed. The cycle of abuse stops here. It takes a village to heal these children.

I have learned so much in the last year I feel like a different person. I am living the concepts of "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" and "first things first". I am learning there are many effective approachs for treating addiction and each person has pain and trauma that needs to be considered as part of the treatment. I understand that my ego thought I could make a difference. That will never happen. Only God can make a difference in people's lives and my job is to show up and do God's work.

Some make it out of here clean and sober and go on to transistional housing with happier healthier children in tow. Some get violated, sent back to jail and their babies go into a foster care system that can be brutal. There are days I leave and think I can never go back; but there are days I get to hold a newborn brought into this world by a clean and sober mom who has new hope.

She down on the corner, just a little crime.

When I make my money, got to get my dime.

She down with her baby, wind is full of trash.

She bold as a streetlight, dark and sweet as hash.

Way down in the hollow, leavin' so soon.

Oh, St. Teresa, higher than the moon.

Show me, my Teresa, feel it rise in me.

Every stone a story, like a rosary.

Joan Osborne St. Teresa

Season of the 2nd Step

2009-01-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

I think I'll always look back at this period of my life and think of it as the “Season of the Second Step”. It seems like every day I have to rely on the assurance that God can and WILL restore me to sanity. You might think this would be a onetime event, and then we could all wash the holy water off our hands and go on home. But apparently I require restoration over and over. I seem to be slipping in and out of sanity, so to speak.

Insanity is a strong word, and I hate like hell to apply it to myself. The first time I worked my steps I thought it referred to all the “stuff” we did when we were out there drinking and using. It’s easy to look back at all of that wreckage and say “that’s insane; I must have been out of my mind.” Well, truth be told I was out of my right mind back then. But what about the insanity and wreckage that happens now in sobriety?

If I want to acheive and maintain emotional sobriety then I guess I better take a look at that wreckage and start cleaning house. Bill W. had something to say about emotional sobriety.

AA History - The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety - Bill W. "Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. "

I can relate to that. I've been relying on people and circumstances to fill my needs and give me a sense of security in uncertain times. More than ever it is clear to me that I am powerless. Powerless over people, places and things. Powerlessness, the unknown, uncertainty ---these are words that strike fear in me. My response used to be medicate medicate medicate. Now my response is different. On a good day its prayer and surrender. On a bad day, everybody duck and cover.

It’s not enough just to be aware of the potential for insane behavior. Awareness and getting into action are entirely different things. When I read in the Big Book about the guy who put whiskey in his milk it tells us that “sometimes the insane thought wins out.”

Dr. Silkworth writes "The human mind has a marvelous ability to protect itself from outside influences. Although the conscious portion of the mind may have a sincere desire to find out what’s wrong and to it, the subconscious part will block any such effort by putting up a bewildering variety of misleading motivations, misinformation, and misdirections. The more important—the deeper—the particular hang-up is, the higher and thicker this wall will be. If the problem is big enough, the conscious thinking mind will not even be aware of its existence, and the mind that does become aware will still be powerless to do much about it."

Well, the mind alone may be powerless to do much about it. But I have a Power Greater Than Myself. So.... back into action, every step, fearlessly and thoroughly. But today, and for awhile I imagine, it’s the 2nd one that’s saving my life.

Keep A Light In Your Window

2008-12-01T17:19:00.000-08:00

These are such troubling times. Economic and environmental hardships seem to have everyone on edge. The holiday season has just started and already the media has warped its meaning with terms like “Black Friday”. How do we slide from gratitude and thanksgiving one day into consumerism and trampling each other outside of Wal-Mart in 24 hours?

I’m thinking of a lyric from an old Woody Guthrie song written during the great depression:

There's a long black cloud a hanging in the sky Honey;

Weathers gonna break and hells gonna fly

Is that what’s about to happen? Is Hell gonna fly? Some days it feels like it. Now more than ever I need to “practice these principles in all of my affairs.”

You would think this is not such a tall order after a number of years of sobriety. And in fact, I do have many of them incorporated into my daily life. By the grace of God and the guidance of my fellowship I have managed to put one foot in front of the other for a number of years now. I have learned a lot about honesty, integrity, justice, perseverance, hope and humility.

But there is one principle that is a continual challenge. And that is the principle of unwavering faith.

It is the foundation of this spiritual program that if we ask, our Higher Power will care for us. Simple as that. And yet this is the one that eludes me, ironically just when I need it the most. And what is even more ironic is that this principle is one we don’t even need to work for. This one is a gift ….all we have to do is ask. It’s called Grace, in the Big Book its called Providence. So I'm asking. And I'll ask tomorrow and the next day and the next...............

These are troubling times. Maybe all we can do is practice the principles, hold on tightly to one another, and keep a light in the window for those less fortunate than we are.

Page 347 NA Basic Text
"I will seek to improve my conscious contact with the Higher Power that cares for me. When the need arises, I know I will be able to trust in that care. "
Our program is based on the idea that the application of simple principles can produce profound effects in our lives. One such principle is that, if we ask, our Higher Power will care for us. Because this principle is so basic, we may tend to ignore it. Unless we learn to consciously apply this spiritual truth, we may miss out on something as essential to our recovery as breathing is to life itself. What happens when we find ourselves stressed or panicked? If we have consistently sought to improve our relationship with our Higher Power, we'll have no problem. Rather than acting rashly, we will stop for a moment and briefly remind ourselves of particular instances in the past when our Higher Power has shown its care for us. This will assure us that our Higher Power is still in charge of our lives. Then, we will seek guidance and power for the situation at hand and proceed calmly, confident that our lives are in God's hands. "Our program is a set of principles;' our White Booklet tells us. The more consistently we seek to improve our conscious appreciation of these principles, the more readily we will be able to apply them.
Just for Today: We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us.

Freedom In The Dark

2007-10-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

In Seeking Enlightenment . . . Hat by Hat, Nevada Barr, a mystery writer, reframes the importance of Halloween. It's not just a time of costumes and candy, it's a time for children to explore the dark.

"Goodness is a living thing, it needs to be tested, rediscovered by each of us in our own way so we can find out how to best use our idiosyncratic abilities to serve others. Halloween traditionally was the night we were given the freedom to explore the dark — not to find and be the evil but to see that the night was as beautiful as the day, that we were powerful, others were kind, that there was candy behind those closed doors and strangers who gave us treats.

"Being trusted to walk by ourselves in the world at night is an important ritual. That it comes but one day a year when we are small lets us discover this place, said to be inhabited by sinister forces, slowly and safely and by ourselves. On Halloween, we learn we can meet with our demons; that monsters are really and truly just us in other guises; that we can survive this interface. We learn that we are trustworthy; that our parents can dress us as demons, send us out into the night of demons to move among the demons and yet trust us to do nothing worse than to beg candy off the neighbors.
"When adult fears and conveniences take this world from us, herd us off to controlled environments, we learn that the world is indeed a horrifying place, that we are not safe in it, the demons are too much for us, neighbors offering candy are not above killing children, and we cannot be trusted to roam, even this one night a year without supervision.

"Halloween is too necessary to consign to the ash heap of ancient wisdoms. It is the one night set aside for our children to confront evil on their own terms. For me, it was the night I learned that evil was a construct of the mind and I need not be a part of it. Because of Halloween, I am free to walk alone in the dark."

Shooting For The Moon

2007-08-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

I received one of those emails that goes around the internet that shows a smiling farmer giving sage advice. One of the bits of wisdom he offers is “If you find yourself in a deep hole, stop digging.” So I did. Sorry to say that included blogging for the last two weeks. I really appreciate the emails and “hellos” I received while I have been away. It’s great to know that people read my little piece of the cyber sphere; and I want you to know that my affection for fellow bloggers is mutual.

I have officially started school, fast tracking 17 units in advanced addiction studies. I’m also still working since I never remember to buy a lotto ticket. My Higher Power has blessed me with a few newcomers who seem to think I can help, and I’ve been giving them whatever time I can spare. I am keeping my meeting schedule regular, because for ME that is critical. All in all this means I’ve turned off the computer and the TV and put aside anything that might distract me from what I’ve decided is my primary purpose for now.

It’s great to have goals today, and to know a little bit about how to prioritize time, follow through, and go after what I want in life. When I think back on the scared overwhelmed girl I used to be I am filled with gratitude. There was a time in my life when I was going nowhere…now I truly believe anything is possible.

If you are a regular reader, thank you for your patience while I shoot for the moon. I will post when I can. Meanwhile, I’m here….I’m sober…and I’m just bursting with gratitude.

The Cradle

2007-08-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

I was launched into the fourth dimension this morning and got to spend some time with my father. He has been dead for twenty four years now, but I felt him with me as surely as I feel these keys under my fingers. You can say its hooey but it happened.

The year of my dad’s death was the year of my daughter Jolie’s birth. She was eight months old when he passed away. When I was pregnant with Jolie Dad made her a cradle. He loved to work with wood and I believe he wanted to give Jolie something “of himself”. He built her something peaceful and lovely, a place for rocking and dreaming and feeling the cocoon of love.

One of my sponsees and dearest friends is expecting a baby soon and I will be a God Mother. I’ve offered her the use of the cradle. I dragged it out of storage to clean and oil the wood and polish the hardware. I was approaching it as a chore, "get it done and move on to the next thing on my agenda." I took a rag and started oiling the wood, and as I did I started seeing the cradle with my heart instead of my eyes. I saw every bit of love and detail that my dad poured into that gift in his final days. As I rubbed the wood I let my hand follow the same strokes as the stain he had applied; I let my eyes see what he saw when he built it. I felt him with me. As I was getting lost in all of this I realized that the song playing in the backround was Peter Gabriel's Solsbury Hill.

I did not believe the information

Just had to trust imagination

My heart going boom boom, boom

"Son," he said, "Grab your things, I've come to take you home."

Without a doubt my father knew I would be doing this someday…….oiling the wood on this cradle for my grand children or god children. See, the cradle was for Jolie, but THIS was his gift for me……24 years later.

We never know when our gifts will come. It is with great humility that I accept this one. I was not sober when my Dad passed away. I am now, and it is because of sobriety that I even recognize the gift. I wonder how many of life’s gifts might pass us by if we don’t pause and open our hearts and minds to the infinite possibilities that our Higher Powers have in store for us.

I hope my Dad knows that we have “broken the chain”. I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams and a generation of babies of sober parents can rock and dream away the night in the cradle he so lovingly built.

A Remote Spot

2007-08-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

My sweet friend is living the first part of A Vision For You. She's trying to find her way to the Jumping off Place. I looked up the definition of "Jumping off Place". It can mean either "a remote spot"...or a "spot where you begin a journey or new venture". I'm afraid she is in a remote spot.

She has known the conviviality, companionship and release from care, boredom and worry. But now she is down to the seeking out sordid places...... yearning to capture something that is just not there. I pray she will not be hurt. Our elevator does not have to go all the way to the bottom before we get off.

I love how A Vision For You Ends...how we all can trudge the road to a happy destiny. This is my prayer for her. Well, that is my prayer for all of us.

jumping-off place definition
n.
1. A beginning point for a journey or venture.
2. A very remote spot.

FOR MOST normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt-and one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did-then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen-Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. From A Vision For You pg 151 BB

Reach Out

2007-08-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

The title of Clarity Case's current post is Agony. Can you reach out and offer support?

Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
Page 152 A VISION FOR YOU from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Phases & Changes

2007-08-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

I posted not long ago about going off my hormone replacement medication. Well, sure enough, now there’s a hair growing out of my chin. I’m fairly certain I’ll grow a penis soon. I hope it’s a big one so I can win friends and influence people. I’ve heard there is a connection somehow.

You may laugh, but that’s how my mind operates. I hit a little bump in the road and assume I’m going right off the cliff. This kind of thinking sends me spinning and costs me my serenity. I used to like the “spinning”…in fact I think I might have been just as addicted to the drama in my life as I was to drugs or alcohol. Not any more. Now I treasure my serenity and have learned that I need to protect it at any cost.

My husband and I are facing some personal and professional challenges right now that are causing us to reevaluate some areas of our life. Nothing earth shattering, just life on life’s terms….but nonetheless it looks like we have some hard choices to make. I don’t like hard choices. When I have to make a hard choice it feels like the sky is falling. The truth is that the sky is NOT falling; I’m just getting closer to the sky because I’m growing.

Whatever we decide, I know it will be okay. I don’t need to know what “okay” looks like right now. I was talking to my sponsor tonight about the subject of change and willingness and God’s will for us. He pointed me towards the end of our 3rd step in the 12 and 12 where it talks about the misuse of will power. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. That helped me a lot. The answer is always the same: surrender and trust, more will be revealed. I may be a little low on courage, but I’m high on faith.

It Wasn't Wonderland

2007-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

I try not to pay attention to the media frenzy surrounding celebrities and their struggles with addiction. Lord knows I’m grateful there weren’t paparazzi and up to the minute coverage of my dismal days. On the other hand I admit I’m starting to get frustrated with the sense of entitlement that some celebrities seem to have. The cushy rehab experience doesn’t seem to be conjuring up the attitude of gratitude that is so vital to our recovery. Do we know how lucky we are to have this fellowship and these rooms? They used to just call us crazy….literally.

Back in the late 30 and early 40’s when AA was in its infancy there was a young star named Francis Farmer who was gorgeous, brilliantly talented and critically acclaimed for her work both on Broadway and in films. She unfortunately had a reputation for being rebellious and outspoken, and was considered by many to be uncooperative and offbeat because of the clothes she chose to wear and the old car she preferred to drive. Maybe she was the Lindsay Lohan or Britney of her era.

Whether it was due to stress of studio life, a series of failed marriages, or perhaps she was just genetically predisposed, Francis Farmer became addicted to alcohol and amphetamines. Her drinking and using resulted where it always does—jails and institutions. But for her that was the end of it. No AA, no cushy rehab for a celebrity, no second chance.

There are several websites that tell the story of Francis Farmer’s tragic life and eventual death. I’ll quote a little from a few of them. Beginning at the sanitarium, she was subjected to insulin shock treatment, “a brutal psychiatric torture that stuns the body in addition to inflicting extensive brain damage.” Reacting badly to the insulin shock – she received some 90 of these –.”

“In an attempt to break her defiant and rebellious will a new brutal treatment was added, “hydrotherapy.” Now illegal, this barbaric practice consisted of her being stripped naked and thrown into a tub of icy water for six to eight hours at a time. After several more months of this torture, she was publicly declared “completely cured” —a supposed model victory for what was then called the “mental hygiene” movement.

Conditions were barbaric: both criminals and the mentally retarded were crowded together, their meals thrown on the dirt floor to be fought over. Farmer was again subjected to regular and continuous electroshock. In addition, she was prostituted to soldiers from the local military base and raped and abused by the orderlies. “One of the most vivid recollections of some veterans of the institution would be the sight of Frances Farmer being held down by orderlies and raped by drunken gangs of soldiers.” She was also used as an experimental subject for drugs such as Thorazine, Stelazine, Mellaril and Prolixin.

What happened to Francis Farmer, an addict, and alcoholic, a brilliant woman of untold capacities to impact other lives is beyond tragic. But it does shine a light on the miracle of the 12 step fellowships. It is as though we have come out of the dark ages. I can’t imagine what she would have given for 30 days in Wonderland or Promises.

One Day At A Time

2007-07-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

From "The Housewife Who Drank at Home":

"A.A. gives us alcoholics direction into a way of life without the NEED for {alcohol, pills, lying, cheating, over eating, over spending, smoking till I'm raw, isolation, anger, blind rage...fear, fear & fear }

Are these things still part of my life? Yes. Do I need them? No.

That life for me is lived one day at a time, letting the problems of the future rest with the future. When the time comes to solve them, God will give me strength for that day.
"I had been brought up to believe in God, but I know that until I found this A.A. program, I had never found or known faith in the reality of God, the reality of His power that is now with me in everything I do."
© 2001 AAWS, Inc., Fourth Edition; Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 300

Bark Bark Bark

2007-07-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted for a week. Every time I sit down to write I draw a big blank…zero…zilch. It’s not as though there is nothing going on in Meg-land, quite the opposite, I’ve been overrun by “Life on Life’s Terms.” I saw the above cartoon and laughed. Yeah, I used to have a blog…..now my head just barks incessantly. So maybe that’s my post. Here’s the short list of what my head is barking about:

My doc took me off my hormones 3 weeks ago. There’s just too much risk of breast cancer with my family history. I’m rather fond of my ta ta’s so I’ll stick it out for now, but the mood swings and hormone flux has been a bitch.

One of my closest friends is in a relapse and struggling. I love her; I hate this disease.

I’m registering for school. It’s been many years since I went to college. I have a whole realm of emotions running in my head around this subject. Excitement, fear, anxiety bark bark bark.

Speaking of bark, coyotes were over the fence on the property again the other night. I forgot and left the back sliding door open. My dogs went rushing down the hill (Charlie is a slow learner or else fearless…) Anyway, Patrick broke it all up before there was any blood this time, but I’m still jumpy as a hen under the hogs, and not sleeping well.

My sister in law had a heart attack last week. Damn she’s only 2 years older than I am!

My mom had cataracts removed from her eyes yesterday. As she gets older, I worry more and wish we were closer geographically.

The housing market continues to flat line and my husband is working like a demon for very small potatoes. Very demoralizing......requires great faith.

There are a zillion other things running around in that little brain of mine too. That’s what we do……stinkin thinkin, until we are convinced we just can’t cope. The truth of the matter is that I have quality problems today, and I absolutely can cope! When I review my list, I have a home, a husband, medical care, education, family and friends. Sure there are challenges, but that’s life. I’m clean and sober today, even when my head is barking incessantly. I’ll focus on that attitude of gratitude and with HP's and your help, stay that way, 24 hours at a time.

Second Surrender

2007-07-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Our Rockin Girl Blogger Scout has asked me to post on the 7th Step. I just adore her, so I want to get this right. Ironic that the 7th step is about humility and here I am struggling with a desire to make this perfect. Perfection…perfection…now where did I put my perfection? I know it’s here somewhere. All I can do, Scout, is share with you what my incredible upline of sponsors have given me; and any wisdom I have gained from the “rooms” and my relationship with God.

I think of the 7th Step as my Second Surrender. The first surrender was the 3rd step. Each “surrender step” has a prayer and they are both actually really similar. I used to wonder why, it seemed to me we were doing the same thing twice, giving ourselves over to our Higher Power. The difference turns out to be “SELF” and “OTHERS”.

When I first got clean and sober my life was wrecked and I was spiritually sick. The urgent task at hand was all about ME ME ME and my messed up life. So the 3rd step prayer was about asking God to relieve ME of the bondage of SELF, take care of (you guessed it) ME, and relieve ME of my difficulties. And I incidentally made a bargain with Him that I would use this victory over my difficulties to help others. ( hey, I’m not just a taker!)

So, time went by, yada yada, I worked my 4th, 5th and 6th steps. Now I was living a totally different life. I felt changed, circumstances had improved, hope and faith were somewhat restored. I was no longer the urgent task at hand. But my sobriety will always be urgent so it was time to take that 7th step. In the 12 and 12 it says: The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God.

In other words I was told that if I wanted to stay sober it was time to lay it all out at my Higher Power’s feet and say “Here it all is. The good, the bad. Can we use any of this to get closer and to help me serve others? Will you help me get rid of what would stand in our way?”

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

So that’s my experience, strength and hope on the 7th step Scout. Keep this prayer in your morning meditation. I have to remind myself daily that all of my shortcomings will be relieved on God’s timetable, not mine. For one thing, what I see as a very annoying defect, God may see as very rich material he can work with. (God works in mysterious ways). Secondly, I believe God won’t relieve me of a shortcoming if there is still “work” I need to do in that area. My Higher Power wants the very best for me. That’s the agreement we made, and we’re sticking to it.

The Journey

2007-07-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

IF THE TWELVE STEPS ARE A PATH ON A JOURNEY

WHERE ARE WE GOING ?

The Mask

2007-07-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time he hit me. I was so surprised….. not that he hit me, but at what it did to my face. It didn’t even seem like he hit me that hard, but in the mirror the next morning I was shattered. Eye swollen closed, a red and purple weeping nose, numbness throughout. He looked at me and said “but I didn’t even use my fist……….”

I wasn’t surprised because there had been signs before; a push, a shove, a twisted arm. It hadn’t particularly scared me. I knew he would eventually hit me. I just wondered when…and how…..and where. It never occurred to me to wonder why.

I knew the reason why. When we drank and used speed he got violent. It was part of the life and for a long long time I accepted it. I was not only an addict but also an addict’s wife. I had dual addictions …. to drugs and to him. There is such a significant correlation between substance abuse and domestic violence that drug and alcohol counselors are now trained in protocols for the treatment of both issues.

The first time he hit me was obviously not the last. The battering lasted on and off for years depending on the cycle of our disease. I do not want to write this from the viewpoint of a victim. I was not a victim. I was a willing participant. I knew where drugs would take us and I went there willingly over and over again. Cunning, Baffling and Powerful.

Living in active addiction is so shameful. There were so many many secrets. I didn’t want to grow up to be a drug addict and a battered wife, so I pretended not to be. I lived two lives shrouded in secrecy and shame. I isolated from family and friends and hid my reality. I put on a mask.

I left him when the fear finally overwhelmed me. I wasn’t afraid of him any longer. I was afraid of myself. I had begun to think of ways to hurt him. I was near my bottom with my using (still more than a year before I would eventually get sober). I knew I had to leave.

The gift of sobriety has helped me let go of some of the painful memories. I guess what remains is forgiveness and understanding for others who walk a similar path.

Today we have made our amends. He lives far far away and we are distant friends with bittersweet memories of a passionate love and a passionate hate. It seems like so many years ago, when drugs ruined our lives, I ravaged his soul and he shook my bones.

It Can Happen Anywhere

2007-07-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

"I went to the filthy bathroom and got down on my knees. 'God, teach me to pray,' I begged. I remained there a long time, and when I arose and left the room, I knew I never had to drink again. I came to believe, that day, that God would help me maintain my sobriety. Since then, I’ve come to believe that He will help me with any problem. – Birmingham, Alabama, USA"

Came to Believe, 30th printing 2004, pg. 36

Growing

2007-07-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little edgy today. Change is hard. Feeling the change is harder. It's all good.

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."
Page 76 AA Big Book

Sweet Surrender

2007-07-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Practicing faith is not easy. It doesn’t come naturally to me. Often my first inclination when I am faced with a problem is to either start frantically searching for a solution OR ignore it. Either way, the “go to” emotion is fear. It takes a fair amount of wheel spinning and gut wrenching before I am brought to my knees. I wish I could say it wasn’t that way, but unfortunately the truth is sometimes I forget about God when I’m in fear.

Ignoring a problem used to be a personal favorite. Telephones and mailboxes = BAD. Authority Figures = WORSE. When I first got sober my sponsor had to help me open month’s worth of mail. I just couldn’t face it. Collection notices, unpaid bills, nasty letters, even casual letters asking about my well being; it was more than I could emotionally face alone. My survival skill had been ignoring it, now I had to take baby steps and deal with it. Baby steps. One day at a time. This program tells us we are “never alone.” I survived. I tried practicing faith, I did some footwork and my Higher Power provided.

Now days, I don’t often ignore a problem, but I do get into self will searching for solution. I am working on reminding myself that solution is in surrender. So what is surrender? Well, for me, it is asking myself what is God’s will for me in any given situation. And what is God’s will for me? It is that I apply the 12 principles in all my affairs. Honesty, Hope, Faith, Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Justice, Perseverance, Spirituality and Service. I wish I could get it through my head that every decision, every dilemma, every challenge can be surrendered to God when my motives include God’s will for me. Ah, Sweet Surrender.

Attitude Adjustment

2007-06-28T21:32:00.001-07:00

A Young monk asked the Master:
“How can I ever get emancipated?”
The Master replied:
“Who has ever put you in bondage?”
Advaita Teachings

Sometimes I feel like I am a slave to my character defects. A frustrated, unruly slave, tugging at my leg irons. Our character defects can do that to us; hold us hostage and prevent us from feeling happy, joyous and least of all, free. False pride, egotism, anger, fear, anxiety, they rear their ugly heads and before you know it I’m locked in the bondage of self.

Since this is the month of June, in meetings all over the globe step studies have been looking at the 6th Step. "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." When I first got sober I thought this was some kind of miracle “eraser” step. I was going to identify and admit my character defects, humbly take them to God, and soon after I would be transformed. Sure enough, some were lifted as I began to work my program, but a good many remained. The character defects that remain are what I call the “divine ordinary” they are emotions and characteristics that are common to all of us. They will probably be with me always at some level. My challenge is to work a program, practice the principles to the best of my ability and not let them imprison me, or others.

I now understand that the 6th Step is not an Eraser Step, it is an Attitude Adjustment Step. I need to accept my own humanity, defects and all, and tell God I am ready to work towards perfection, surrendering the notion that I will ever come even close to it.

During the years we were drinking and using we were bent on self destruction, in one insidious way after another. Our minds, our behaviors and our responses to life were programmed in that one direction. Our character defects were learned responses to our way of life; often they were even our survival skills. When we get clean and sober we chose a new way of life. No longer a life of self destruction, we are choosing to live, and hoping to live happy, joyous and free. We do a complete turn of direction. But what about those learned behaviors, those survival skills? Those ingrained responses that don’t serve us any more? (Those character defects) They don’t just go away, and they won’t just dissapear no matter how many times we humbly ask God to remove them. My point is, that it is a process. It may take a lifetime but what a great journey we’re on. We strive for progress, not perfection. We practice patience, and ask God for guidance.

So what do I do about a particularly troublesome character defect when it takes me hostage? I observe it. To the best of my ability I don’t fight it (that which I resist always causes me more pain). I recognize that is a part of me and I observe myself. When I admitted my drug abuse, I didn’t just “confess” to it. I had to “admit” it. Admit it into my heart and soul. I am an addict. That is the only way I could ever move forward in recovery. That is how I try to handle my character defects. I “admit” them. I take ownership of them. They are a part of me. If I rage against them they own me. If I lovingly observe how they are hurting me, or preventing my spiritual growth they seem to lose their power, sometimes they even become comical. Some of the best laughter I’ve shared is with friends in recovery honestly talking about our character defects. Go figure.

So Step Six--"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character"--is A.A.'s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. from the 12 and 12

Thirteenth Step

2007-06-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

We brought home toys for the pups. Since Charlie is still recovering from his coyote attack he got the best one: this rubber (pirate) chicken. Of course he loves it; it has a great howly squeaker. And, of course, Lucy keeps stealing it.

Why do we sometimes crave something that isn’t ours, something forbidden, something we aren’t entitled to, and shouldn’t even be thinking about? Apparently this is somewhat of a natural instinct. Sometimes this instinct, left unchecked, goes out of control and all hell breaks loose. In the case of my dogs, there’s a lot of growling and tugging over a rubber chicken. But when it happens with people, the behavior is usually more devious, more complex, and more destructive. It talks about this in the 12 and 12, 4th Step Chapter. Our desires for sex, for material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us. When thus out of joint, man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is. No human being, however good, is exempt from these troubles.

“Practically all the trouble there is” Yep. There’s trouble brewing in my neck of the woods. A couple of people in my home group are involved in a little “flirtation,” a “fling”, a “romance”? No, a “lust-mance” (You taste like honey, honey, Tell me can I be your honey.) She is young, lovely, sweet, vulnerable, and relatively new to sobriety. He is, well how can I describe him? Only one word comes to mind: Married.

So far this whole sticky situation is a “secret”. But I feel like I’m watching trains coming at each other. I shudder to think of the consequences when they collide. His wife goes to our meetings too. Everyone involved is a loving and loved member of our home group. I’m imagining our “atmosphere of recovery” being shattered by gossip, torn allegiances and a whole lot of pain and suspicion.

What am I going to do as I watch the trains on their collision course? Nothing. It’s their program, and noone is asking me to jump in. I have my own program to worry about. I wish I could control it, I feel like natural instinct’s have gone awry, and are about to tyrannize us all! I have no judgment for the people involved. It saddens me, because I would imagine that the feelings and issues that would allow someone to be unfaithful in a marriage are extremely close to the same issues that lead to relapse. We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible.

If I get all worked up about this and take it to my sponsor he will ask me “Who's in charge?” Of course I believe the answer to that is God, and I am not God. So I’m sad, but when I pause, I’m not too worried. The 13th Step has been around a long long time. Apparently people survive.

Today, I'm free
This brought me to the good healthy realization that there were plenty of situations left in the world over which I had no personal power--that if I was so ready to admit that to be the case with alcohol, so I must make the same admission with respect to much else. I would have to be still and know that He, not I, was God. As Bill Sees It, page 114

Goin' Home

2007-06-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we head for home. This vacation has been great but there’s no place like home. I’m looking forward to pulling into my driveway and calling out to my pups. I know they will be jumping for joy. I’m also anxious to get back into my own routine…..my life, my meetings, my friends and family. I do best when I am centered and grounded in the life I have grown to love.

Vacation is nice, but it is not reality. Reality is the life I have built based on the principals, my conscious contact with God and my willingness to stay connected with my program….and Reality is awesome. It’s not always easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m glad I like my life today. I owe my life to my sobriety and God’s grace. I have spent a lot of time on this trip feeling close to my Higher Power and grateful for the blessings in my life. I’ll take those feelings home with me.

Aloha.

Spiritual Awakening at Iao Valley

2007-06-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading a biography of one of the founders of AA, Dr. Bob Smith. It seems like Bill Wilson gets way more hoopla than Dr. Bob, and I’m not sure why. I’m really enjoying the book. He was a gentle man who did a lot of soul searching. He seemed to regret that he never had the kind of blinding light spiritual experience that Bill Wilson had. I can really relate to that. My spiritual growth has been more of a “quest” or a journey. My spirituality has evolved. There is a chapter in the book I’m reading that talks about Dr. Bob always searching and reading anything he could get his hands on about religion and spirituality. He was very open minded, and his spiritual journey was very rich as a result. I would like to think that my heart and mind are open too.

I have had spiritual experiences where I feel very close to God and even loved ones who have passed away. They are rare, but they happen. I think these experiences are available to all of us, but we shut them out with logic or a closed heart.

There is a valley here on the island that is very sacred. Whenever I go there, if I quiet my mind, and open my heart I experience a connection to the Universe that I cannot seem to achieve elsewhere. Many tourists just grab there camera and go for the beauty. I have learned that if I approach this place with the reverence the locals hold for it, a visit to the Iao Valley can be a gift.

Iao means "cloud supreme", for the bank of clouds that often sits over the valley. It is a valley of creeks and water falls, lush with flowers and greenery.

`Iao is so sacred that the remains of the highest chiefs were entrusted to secret hiding places in the valley. Kaka`e, ruler of Maui in the late 1400's to 1500's, is believed to have designated this valley as an ali`i burial area.

It was the battle in which Kamehameha the Great defeated King Kalanikupule and conquered the Maui army in order to unify the islands. The battle was said to be so bloody that dead bodies blocked the ʻĪao Stream,

What lingers there now is a reverence for life. When I stand still and contemplate the magnificence of the place and consider that this valley has existed forever (and will still be here long after we are gone) it humbles me. It also helps me understand with certainty that God exists, and that the mysteries of the Universe are beyond my understanding. I am grateful that I get to contemplate and understand them one day at a time.

But when we take time to find out some of the spiritual laws, and familiarize ourselves with them, and put them into practice, then we do get happiness and peace of mind. . . There seem to be some rules that we have to follow, but happiness and peace of mind are always here, open and free to anyone. DR. BOB AND THE GOOD OLDTIMERS, pg. 308

Thank You From Charlie

2007-06-15T01:30:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Charlie Mac and Meg and Patrick belong to me. They are on vacation in Maui and left me home with my brother Bob and sister Lucy. My Auntie Caron is taking care of us while my mom and dad are away.

I wanted to write to you all to thank-you for all your thoughts, best wishes and prayers for my speedy recovery. It was very nice to know so many people cared. I am doing great as you can see! I ended up with 13 bites and 4 stitches and felt pretty bad for a couple of days. But I got a piece of that *@^$#%@ coyote. We found lots of coyote hair. (I like to tell everybody I killed that coyote, but Auntie Caron says I shouldn’t exaggerate.) I stayed on the couch lying on my mom’s bathrobe and didn’t even bark at the pool guy, or garbage trucks or mailman. Auntie Caron fixed a whole bag of popcorn for me, but I had to share. I let Bob and Lucy take the watch for a few days. I tried to explain to Lucy about patrolling the perimeters but she just kept taking a nap under the big ficus tree. And Bob would bark at the birds at the feeder, lizards or palm fronds swaying. I guess I have to do it all.

It’s time for my antibiotics (I get my pills inside pieces of hot dog or cheese balls). And I should probably do a run around the perimeter of the property because both Bob and Lucy are sleeping on their watch. Oh dear, my work is never done!

Tomorrow I get to swim in the pool finally. I just hope Bob and Lucy will take the coyote watch when I am chillin’ in the pool.

Thanks again for all of your concern,

Love, Charlie

Lost

2007-06-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Music quiets my mind and transports my heart

Today I spent time lost in the music

Mahalo E Ke Akua No Keia La ~ Thanks be to God for this day

Maui Friends of the Library

2007-06-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

I love to read. I have a book underway all of the time, sometimes two or three. I like all kinds of books, intellectually challenging, spiritual, or novels…they all interest me. I think it’s my favorite mode of escapism.

On Maui there is a little book store located way out in the middle of the sugar cane fields where you can buy books for a dime. It’s the Maui Friends of the Library bookstore where they sell off the books that have cycled through the library. This is a relatively small island, and books move through the system in a matter of months, before they have to be cleared out to make room for newer releases. This means the books in the MFOL are good books! They are sectioned off by topic or fiction vs non fiction. It's just like a bookstore, only PRIMITIVE. The people who work there are always happy to see someone show up. It's hot and red dirt dusty out there; and without customers there are only the chickens for company.

A local person told us about the place a few years ago. The first time we went there I was thinking maybe they were messing with us “mainlanders.” First you drive out to the sugar cane factory where white steam is billowing out of the chimneys and the air smells like sweet nirvana. You turn down the dirt road that leads behind the factory and follow it through a maze of sugar cane plants as high as the car windows. Red dirt flies up off the road, and the car goes bumpity bump. Press on. When you are sure you are lost you come to a little (and I mean little) sign that says “Books” and has an arrow left. Follow that around the bend, past a bunch of chickens in the road that scatter everywhere, and suddenly you’re there!

Books for a dime……I’m like a kid in a candy store.

So now you know one of the best kept secrets on the island. When you visit Maui, load up, kick back and relax on the beach with a good book. Tell them Meg sent ya.

Meltdown At Sunset

2007-06-11T02:31:00.000-07:00

No matter where I go, there I am….even in Paradise. I had a little meltdown at dinner the other night. The first week of our vacation is over. The second week we will be joined here by some of Patrick’s relatives from Michigan. They are fun people and I love them, so that’s not the problem. The problem is my own head. I got it in my head that we should go out to a nice romantic dinner to celebrate the end of our time alone together. I had the entire evening “scripted” in my imagination. The trouble started when I forgot to give Patrick the script.

I dressed up, put a flower in my hair, and we went to our favorite place here on the island. Everything was perfect, so far, so good. The sun was just setting, it was absolutely beautiful. Patrick grabbed the camera and said he wanted to get the sunset. He left the table and went upstairs to shoot the photos off the balcony. That’s when the script fell apart. I want what I want, and I want it now. I wanted to be the center of his world. I didn’t want to sit alone in the restaurant watching the sunset alone. When he came back to the table I treated him like he had been away committing an ax murder.

Amazing how quickly self will can ruin an evening. Amazing how quickly I can “forget” to be grateful and tolerant. Even more amazing it that I seem to need to learn this lesson over and over.

One of the blessings of a 12 step program is our 10th step. Sometimes I get to watch my behavior like it’s a bad movie, but the 10th step gives me a remedy. I can look deeper, I can see my part, and I’m not afraid to apologize and/or even laugh at myself today. I used to choke on apologies, it was so hard for me to admit my character defects. It’s easier now, because of YOU. I have learned that I am not alone.

The pictures he took are awesome. And today I’m feeling pretty awesome too. I’m not writing a script for tomorrow. I’m just going to BE HERE NOW, and wait for the miracles to unfold.

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Big Book pg 60

Charlie Mac

2007-06-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Bad news from home. My dog Charlie was attacked in the night by coyotes. Maybe I should be calling this good news, astounding and wonderful news because he is still alive.

The entire time we have lived in our home I have feared this day. I feel so helpless being so far away now. The coyotes prowl the property line at night, and I listen to their eerie yips when they kill a rabbit or some other critter. We are cautious with the dogs, but at some level I have had to relax and accept that we have done all we can do.

I don’t know why Charlie went out in the night. He usually sleeps with me and doesn’t move until morning. He’s a real cuddle-bug. Maybe because we are gone he felt the need to go “on patrol”. I guess we’ll never know.

Caron found him in the morning; he had managed to make his way back up the hill and into the house in spite of his wounds. He has nine bites. Two at the throat and shoulder, the other seven are all in his hind quarters. I think God was watching out for that little guy. He has stitches, a full load of antibiotics and doggy pain pills. Now we just say prayers and wait for the healing.

A friend (one of my husband’s sponsees actually) went to the house and found the place where the fence had been breached. He reinforced the fence line at the lower levels of the property and installed motion detector lights.

This is a time for me to remember the basics. I have to accept that I am powerless over what happens now. Rushing home would serve no purpose. What happened ….happened. Charlie is in good hands. I feel far away and helpless. I feel fear. I am trying to focus on gratitude. I’m grateful he somehow escaped. I’m grateful that my sister is lovingly watching over him. I’m grateful that our friend Brad fixed the fence.

I’m grateful for the Big Book. It tells me to ask God who I should BE in this situation, instead of worrying about what I should DO.

We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. Pg 67

For another post on Charlie click here

Patience & Tolerance

2007-06-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES QUICKLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY

Love the Dog You're With

2007-06-05T23:03:00.001-07:00

In the little town of Paia in Central Maui there’s a place where you can borrow a dog for the day. There’s no charge. All you have to do is buy your picnic lunch from them and they throw the dog in for free. I think it would be cool to take a dog down to the beach and throw a Frisbee around, or on a hike up in the rainforest.

I’m missing my dogs at home. I absolutely love the idea of a 2 week vacation. It takes my psyche the first week just to slow down and surrender. The second week I'm officially "mauied". The hard part is being away from my dogs that long. The minute the suitcases came out Bob and Charlie knew we were going away. They started their depressed behavior, following us around, sure the sky was falling. Lucy on the other hand is still young and dumb, she didn’t have a clue.

My sister Caron is staying at the house. She doesn’t have dogs, she has cats. She called and said she’s having trouble adjusting to the pile of pups in the bed at night. I told her to consider it protection. Apparently, they broke into her groceries and ate all of her cookies too. Lucy won’t stay out of the pool, and is in and out of the house soaking wet. Yesterday Lucy took her first swim at 6:30 am. Oh well, a small price to pay for all that canine unconditional love. I asked how they were, expecting that they would be sad and blue missing me. Nope. She said they are all having the time of their lives. Guess I’m expendable after all.

I may go borrow a dog in Paia. I’ve gone before to check them out. The trouble was they didn’t seem too anxious to be selected for an outing. They were just snoozing away in the sunshine, looking like contented old cows. Maybe if I lived here year round I would be too.

At the Beach

2007-06-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Maui has many different kinds of beaches, white sand, black sand, rocky reefs and the lava bed beaches at La Peruse. All of them are different, and all of them are public access. Even the large resorts and hotels cannot close the beach off to the public. The Hawaiian culture has a strong belief in the sacred status of the ocean (kai) and the environment. These islands sprung from the ocean, and their love and respect for the land and sea is an attachment that has developed over hundreds of years. It is an attachment that is cultural, physical and spiritual. When Patrick and I visit the island we are sensitive to this and treat the land and the ocean with respect. But we see tourists tromping around with their trash and trappings and feel a certain shame just because we’re mainlanders too.

The Hawaiian alphabet has 13 letters, and only 5 of them are vowels, so the beaches all have funny, hard to pronounce names that I can never remember. Naturally I have my favorite beaches and I need to be able to refer to them, so we have come up with our own names. My favorite beach is named Meg’s Beach. It has white sand and clear water, gentle waves and is very quiet. There’s another one where the locals take their dogs to play in the surf. I always jump in and join the game, since I’m missing my pups back home. No surprise here, we call it Dog Beach. My least favorite is a place that Patrick likes. The waves are strong, good for body surfing, but too scary for me. The shore is rocky and I cut my ankle there. I call it Me-no-likee Beach. We don’t go there much. I’m too much of a whiner.

There is also a nude beach called Little Beach at McKenna. We actually have been there several times in the past. I don’t know if we’ll go this year. The first time I went I thought I would be shy, but it was different than I expected. No one paid any attention to us. It was kinda cool. The part I didn’t like was the sunburn.

Whatever beach we’re at, I always feel the amazing presence of God, whether I’m laying in the warm sand or out floating in the waves. Whenever I’m here I try to close my eyes and “capture” little moments to take home with me. My heart is full and God’s blessings are many.

Aloha until tomorrow.

Hula of the Heart

2007-06-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

Aloha from Maui. The AA convention closed today, and I can assure you the spirit of recovery is strong and heartfelt here on the island. It’s always fun to be at any convention, but this one is particularly special to Patrick and me. We have been coming to Maui annually for eleven years now and in a way it is our spiritual home away from home. When we are here we go to the local meetings almost daily, so we have made some friends over the years. It’s nice to be welcomed back with the spirit of Aloha. Aloha is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation in Hawaii. Aloha means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring. The convention was full of happy smiling people, joined by that common outlook that we read about in the Big Book.

At the opening meeting Friday night they had hula dancers. I’ve never been a fan of Hula, other than thinking it’s kind of interesting. But these dancers were different. They all had been incarcerated in the prisons of Hawaii. They did a dance that was narrated and it really touched my heart. The hand gestures and moves told a story of going on a journey in life. On the journey they were looking for something to soothe their heart, but they ended up taking the wrong path. Eventually their God lead them home, and they learned that what they were looking for was here the whole time. When they finished the dance, it was a very emotional moment…for them and for us…… they stood there stunned as they got a standing ovation from the two or three hundred alcoholics and addicts who understood and loved them. It was just another amazing moment in recovery. God, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

Patrick and I drove home with the top down on our rented car along the cliffs overlooking the ocean. There was a full moon that turned the water silver and more stars than I could count. Light clouds were moving across the sky in the opposite direction, so it looked like the moon was racing along beside us. We cranked up the radio to “Come and Get Your Love” an oldie by the Real McCoy. Yep, just another amazing moment in recovery.

More tomorrow.

Aloha

2007-05-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

We are leaving on a big jet plane for the island of Maui to celebrate recovery at Maui Fest IV, This celebration of sobriety and aloha takes place on the beautiful Ka'anapali, South Maui Coast. After the AA convention we will stay on for another two weeks of rest and relaxation. I am soooooo blessed. If someone had described my life to me as it is today, 14 years ago, I never would have believed it was possible. I believe in miracles.

I'm taking my camera , my laptop and my Big Book, so Aloha.........I'll keep in touch.

Sharing

2007-05-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

Lucy had a play date this weekend with my brother’s dog Max. She has a hard time sharing her toys. She got very fierce every time Max wanted something that is hers. We renamed her Pool Shark.

I was thinking about the whole concept of sharing….sharing toys, and sharing in a meeting. They aren’t so different really. We have something that we think is ours (alone) and we don’t always want to give it up.

Of course we learn over time that there are a lot of good reasons to share, but just like with kids, it’s often hard in the beginning. It’s all about facing the fear and trusting the process.

What I have learned is that when I do “give it up” in a meeting, I get back more than I give. Our issues (and our victories) may be cloaked in a myriad of different circumstances, but underneath everything it turns out we are all walking the same path.

I’m off to my Monday night women’s meeting. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to share.

David

2007-05-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

Many birds fly in a V formation when they are migrating. The theory is that the strongest birds assume the front position, so that others may benefit from the draft of their air currents.

The entire experience of working a 12 program is a migration. A migration away from our old way of thinking and living to a new freedom and tolerance for ourselves and others. If we are painstaking about the effort we put into our program, the promises on page 83 and 84 of the Big Book assure us that “our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.”

My sponsor, David S. celebrated 21 years of sobriety this week. I have been drafting along on his currents for awhile now. I have changed alot while he has been working with me. He might argue that he’s not my sponsor. He doesn’t like that word. He’s quick to point out that the program, in it’s purest form, makes no mention of sponsorship; only that we “work with others” and be willing to carry the message.

He also tells me that we get as much help from everybody as we can. That’s true too. I have a wonderful woman that I also call a sponsor, and a group of long term sobriety women that I call my “tribe,” and of course there is the cyber community of bloggers that support me daily.

But David is the heart and soul of the program I work today. He has taken me on a spiritual journey that I would not have embarked on, or understood, alone. He keeps me centered, reminds me that God is in charge, and isn’t afraid to laugh at my shortcomings.

Happy Birthday David, I hope I can draft along on his wings for many more years.

Friends FUR-EVER

2007-05-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

When I arrived home from Yosemite there was an email from fellow blogger Two Dogs Blogging saying she was in town for a conference. She was at the Disneyland Hotel, so I grabbed a quick shower and picked her up for dinner and girl talk.

One of the best parts about blogging (for me) is that I have met some people in the cyber-community that I feel just might be friends forever. Maybe it is because we express ourselves primarily in writing, or maybe it is because many of us work a 12 step program, but whatever the reason, sometimes the communication between us is “richer”, more “heartfelt”. As I was on my way to pick her up I wondered if it would be that way in person, or would it be somehow awkward? Well, what I learned is a friend, is a friend, is a friend. I’ve never even seen her picture but I spotted her immediately when she came out of the hotel. That was my friend.

We talked the night away, until the time difference had her nodding. We talked like we have known each other forever. What an amazing deal this recovery thing is. We come together and: there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. BB pg 17

I dropped her back at the hotel with promises to see each other again when time and or circumstances allow. Last I saw of her she was standing under a giant Mickey Mouse statue pointing to the sign that said “Don’t Climb On Mickey”. I have a feeling she might have, the minute my car was out of sight.

Home From The Hills

2007-05-21T15:15:00.000-07:00

We’re home from Yosemite. We had a great time, what an amazing place. We stayed at a campground called Kelty Meadows, outside of the park itself. It was quiet and serene, we had the place mostly to ourselves. I loved the surroundings, cooking outdoors, sitting by the campfire, seeing zillions of stars and doing morning meditation in the meadow. I hated the outhouse.

I Lift Up My Eyes

2007-05-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace. From Step 11 Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Patrick and I are heading up to Yosemite for nourishment of our souls and our marriage. I’m not sure a tent is the ideal setting, but if you’re looking for “the light of God’s reality” then Yosemite is the perfect spot. This is a picture he took on his last trip to the valley.

It’s not easy being married to me. And let me tell you, it’s sure not easy being married to Patrick. But for almost eleven years now, we’ve walked together, for better or worse, and it’s been one of the greatest blessings in my life. I think the rewards of being in a relationship with someone who is also in recovery probably outweigh the challenges. But the challenges can be, well, challenging. We both can be stubborn, self obsessed, unpredictable and selfish. On the other hand, we both are understanding and tolerant of the whole concept of character defects rearing their ugly heads. We’ve learned that timing is important. I’m loving and tolerant on his bad days, and he’s there for me when I melt down. We try to “practice the principals” in our home. We each have our own program, and work hard at respecting each other’s privacy. But there’s a 3rd program here, the program of the relationship.

After a few years of practice at this relationship deal we have also come to understand the emotional hangovers it talks about in the 10th step of the 12 and 12. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion--anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. We’ve had our share of those lately. So we are going back to basics. A little time together, a little 10th step work as a couple. Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day or so of self-overhaul and meditation.

So…..we’re gonna go bond in a tent, under the stars. I’ll worry about bears and wish I was at a spa and Patrick will sleep like a baby. But over the weekend I bet we’ll have some memorable moments and come home happy, joyous and free.

Curve Balls

2007-05-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

Today I Want To Be Ready For Whatever Is Thrown My Way

Onward On The Journey

"The progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey"
NA Basic Text, p. 79

The longer we stay clean, the steeper and narrower our path seems to become. But God doesn't give us more than we can handle. No matter how difficult the road becomes, no matter how narrow, how winding the turns, there is hope. That hope lies in our spiritual progression.

If we keep showing up at meetings and staying clean, life gets... well, different. The continual search for answers to life's ups and downs can lead us to question all aspects of our lives. Life isn't always pleasant. This is when we must turn to our Higher Power with even more faith. Sometimes all we can do is hold on tight, believing that things will get better.

In time, our faith will produce understanding. We will begin to see the "bigger picture" of our lives. As our relationship with our Higher Power unfolds and deepens, acceptance becomes almost second nature. No matter what happens as we walk through recovery, we rely on our faith in a loving Higher Power and continue onward.

Just for today: I accept that I don't have all the answers to life's questions. Nonetheless, I will have faith in the God of my understanding and continue on the journey of recovery. Just For Today May 13

Courage & Acceptance

2007-05-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

My niece Marly is somebody really special. She joined the Air Force and served her country flying around in those giant AWAC planes that look like flying fortresses. I think back on her teenage years, freckle faced and strong willed, dealing with all of the challenges that our kids are faced with; and I marvel at the woman she has become.

Marly met and married her husband Jason who is also in the Air Force. They both have been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan multiple times. The separations are hard, although it seems they have found acceptance, and their love and marriage endures what it must. My sister worries. She planted red, white and blue containers of flowers in my backyard when the war started and put flags in the planters. The flowers bloom each year. The flags are very faded and tattered now, but we will not remove them until this God-awful mess is over.

I thought I would share an email from Jason.

Subject: my day out

Date: Wed, 2 May 2007 07:14:29 -0400

From: Jason

Here are some pics from me going out today. Us driving out on these dinky roads, a big village we passed (almost everything is made of mud, crap and straw here), my new friends (school children), and a panoramic shot of the view (the grassy area in the foreground is an old minefield from back in the day, the roads are clear though).

We went to the school on a humanitarian visit and stayed a while. The kids were really cool and had been trying to learn English. One taught me how to spell my name and we taught them how to play rock, paper, scissors and the hand slapping game. Once we broke out the toys and shoes things got way too crazy though. I saw some kids get the beat down. These kids beg for ink pens and water, you through a soccer ball and shoes out there and they lose their minds. It’s probably equivalent to throwing about $5,000 in a crowd in the states.

Well, that’s what I did today.

After my sister received this she started gathering crayons and coloring books to include in her next package to Jason. Sometimes all you can do, is wait, try to help others, and ask God to Bless them all.

Resting

2007-05-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

I need to take a short break from blogging

I'll be back Wed or Thursday

God Bless You till Then!

Nurturing

2007-05-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

I thought you might like to meet my Inner Child

She trusts me to take of her today

This program and ALL OF YOU teach me how to do that

She sends her love..............

Lovin Life Again

2007-05-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’ve been down and out for almost a week now with a cough and a fever. I’ve managed it to make it to my meetings and put a few days in at work, but for the most part I’ve been laying around in my pj’s wishing I felt better. I remember when I thought it would be heaven to lay around all day with no responsibilities. After a week of daytime TV and unending boredom I’m looking forward to diving back into my life again.

Striking the right balance between our physical and spiritual aspects is one of the most challenging aspects of existence. We are dual beings by nature, spiritual entities bound to earth by physical bodies. In our lifetimes, we are charged with the duty of nurturing and tending both with equal devotion and love. Yet while both aspects of the self are deserving of honor and respect, there is a tendency for people who are more spiritually focused to ignore, avoid, or dismiss their bodies. Similarly, many individuals are entirely ensconced in the carnal realm and pay no attention to the needs of the soul. In both cases, an adjustment is in order. We are whole only to the degree that we embrace both sides of our beings
Daily Om

It's In His Kiss

2007-04-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

French researchers have isolated a painkiller in men’s saliva that is up to six times as powerful as morphine. Catherine Rougeot and her colleagues at the Pasteur Institute in Paris hope the compound, called opiorphin, will lead to the development of effective new painkillers that are not addictive, according to New Scientist (November 18, 2006).

Scientists think opiorphin works by blocking the destruction of enkephalins, natural opiates in the body’s nerve cells. Although drugs from opiorphin may still be years away, Rougeot and her colleagues say the compound is easy to synthesize for further study. Researchers might also be able to find drugs that prompt the body to make opiorphin.

So this is news? I've known this for a long time.

Came To Believe

2007-04-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid my Dad told me he could get rid of a wart with magic. Now, I believed absolutely and unequivocally everything my Dad told me when I was young. Eventually I came to him with a little tiny wart on my thumb. He got what looked like an ordinary soup bean from the cupboard and took me out to the backyard. We stood out there in the corner for awhile, and then he very ceremoniously rubbed the bean on my wart, said some mumbo jumbo words and planted the bean in the corner of the yard. The wart went away.

That was my first experience with believing that my problem could be solved, without understanding how or why, and then getting results. I just thought my Dad was some kind of wizard.

Now, years later, I found out that warts disappear often, when practitioners use the amazing power of the subconscious mind. So much for magic.

Many doctors prefer to draw a circle around a wart using a magic “wart pen” rather than treat it with caustic acid. Why? Because the magic works. According to the British newsletter What Doctors Don’t Tell You the wart nearly always disappears. A high-tech variant that is effective in half the cases is “fake radiation”: the wart is treated while the machine is switched off. Apparently for adults, hypnosis also works.

When I first got sober the problems in my life were a lot worse than a tiny wart on my thumb. Nobody offered to rub a bean on them either. But I was told that I had to surrender my wreckage, my will, and my life unconditionally to the care of a power greater than myself. I was also told that I may not understand how or why, but I would see results. I was even “promised” results (pg 83 and 84 of the BB) and many of those promises have come true.

I’m the kind of person who likes to know the how and why of things. But I have to say there is such sweet relief in surrender. Maybe that is one of the definitions of being a “child of God”. We get to be child-like again. I can stop intellectualizing, stop questioning everything. I can just be that kid in the backyard again that believes with all of her heart that what her dad said was true.

We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results pg 46 BB

Jaadu ki Jhappi

2007-04-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

As we mourn the losses at Virginia Tech last week, the media talking heads keep yammering on about the emotional and psychological health of the nation's young people. Instead of yammering, maybe we should look East and try something they are doing in India.

from http://www.odemagazine.com/

Students in Delhi hug each other every morning. The new ritual is Indian officials’ response to an increase in student suicides. Some 4,000 students in Delhi kill themselves every year. The main reason is fear of failure, a common phenomenon in a country where high value is placed on academic performance. The daily hugging ritual—for children between ages 9 and 18—is aimed at giving young people a greater sense of self-esteem. A representative of the local education department told the Times of India (Nov. 30, 2006): “We have observed that there is an increasing sense of worthlessness among kids which forces them to take extreme steps like suicide. And this sense of emptiness has grown manifold over the years as there is no one to give them a good hug, which makes them feel how important they are in someone’s life. We realized that each one of us needs a jaadu ki jhappi [the Hindi term for ‘magical hug of love’] to start our day.”

This hugging stuff is no secret to any of us 12 step people. We've known about human contact and a daily dose of unconditional love for decades now. You don't suppose the normies are gonna catch on do ya?

12 Stepping

2007-04-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

Brothers in our defects
We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them. As Bill Sees It, page 167

The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritual--almost incomprehensible. But it is there. I feel it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me.
Daily Reflections April 20

I don’t have to work on Friday’s at my traditional job, so I’m headed out to do work for my new Employer (the one referred to on page 63 of the Big Book). This morning I will spend a few hours with a young woman who is struggling with her 4th step. I know how that feels and I think I can help. Well, I say I think “I” can help. The truth is that if we are able to do this work together, it will be because Higher Power has chosen to encourage a bond between us that is spiritual--almost incomprehensible.

The journey through the steps with a sponsor requires Honesty, Open Mindedness and Willingness. It can be a rocky path, that’s why we get a sponsor. I wouldn’t want to make this journey alone. My experience is that often the main ingredient is TRUST.

I opened the Daily Reflections this morning, and thought how perfect it is for the work I am off to do. I realize some of my sponsees ask me to work with them because they perceive me ONLY as a woman of virtue. But it is a gift of this program that I am able to conduct myself that way. I start any 4th step work by sharing my story with my sponsee. I share the parts that she hasn’t heard in meetings, or from the podium. I share the feelings, fears, and dark parts that had to come to light when I worked my steps. When I am finished, she “gets it”. We recovered alcoholic/addicts are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them. Then we get down to the business of changing lives.

Hello & Goodbye

2007-04-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

We sing to the dogs at my house. Well, at least I do. Mostly silly songs that I make up as I go along, about how cute they are, or how much I love them. I sing mindless little melodies and lyrics about their tails or gum-drop noses. The dogs seem to love it; they follow me around when I’m singing, and they listen intently if I throw their name in once in awhile.

My daughter Jolie has been here for the past five days. I was getting ready to take her to the airport today, and I could overhear her in my bedroom. She was sitting on the floor packing her suitcase and singing to the dogs. It was a little song about how she loved them, but had to go away for awhile. They watched and listened. I loved the song, but I couldn’t watch her pack.

The drive to the airport was pretty quiet. I couldn’t help but think about how different the drive was Wednesday night when I was on my way to pick her up. I guess that’s life. Two ends of the spectrum, joy and sorrow; hello and good bye.

I am so grateful to be a sober mom. That is small sentence, but expresses gratitude for years of joy that I would have missed if I had not been graced by God’s love and the principles of this program.

I said good bye to Jolie, called my sponsor and my husband and spent a quiet evening under a quilt feeling sorry for myself. But tomorrow is another day, so I’ll suit up and show up. After all I heard her singing to the dogs and she said it was only for a little while.

Calling All Angels by Train

2007-04-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere

More fallout today over the controversial remarks

made by radio host Don Imus towards the Rutgers Women's

basketball team. Several protests are planned for this afternoon,

including this one at City Hall this morning.
Since calling the Rutgers Women's basketball team

nappy-headed ho's", people are attacking Don Imus'

character with protests

I need to know that things are gonna look up

'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

Two million people are living in camps both within

Sudan and in neighbouring Chad since conflict began

in 2003. Many fled their homes because of the ongoing

violence between pro-government Arab Janjaweed

militia groups and rebel groups in Darfur.

At least 200,000 have died.

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head

When you feel the world shake from the words that are said
And I'm calling all angels

I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you dont give up

Last night's anti-violence march in

West Philly was mostly a success

because onlyone person was shot

I need a sign to let me know you're here

Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear

I want a reason for the way things have to be

I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear

More than half of children in

India are sexually abused.

Pope claims there cannot

possibly be that many priests

And private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years

English soccer ace David Beckham has spent a

staggering $1.8 million on the world's most expensive

sex toy as a present for his pregnant wife Victoria.

The platinum vibrator, with a 10-carat diamond

encrusted base linked to a 16-carat diamond necklace,

is one of only 10 in the world --

And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams

“It is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right,”

Goodell said. Jones’ off-field conduct has included

10 instances in which he was interviewed by police.

The most recent took place in Las Vegas, after a fight

and shooting at a strip club that paralyzed one man.

In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

Calling all you angels

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavor." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. Pg 449 BB

In Case You Were Wondering

2007-04-09T22:55:00.001-07:00

The dangers of inhaling a cremated parent.
By Torie Bosch

Posted Friday, April 6, 2007, at 1:02 PM ET

Earlier this week, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones announced that he once snorted a mixture of his father's ashes and cocaine. Richards and his publicist later claimed that he was just kidding. But if he did snort his dad, would that have been unhealthy?

Only if he made a habit of it. There are diseases and conditions that can occur from getting small particles in your lungs, but they develop after repeated exposure—for instance,

coal miner's lung occurs after years of breathing in coal dust. Experts say Richards should be more concerned about the health effects of the cocaine, his cigarette smoking, and past drug use.

Snorting a cremated body could cause irritation if the ashes got into the respiratory system. Water-soluble substances, like

cocaine, can be absorbed through the mucous lining of the sinuses. But human remains would pass straight through the nose and could hypothetically make it into the lungs. Still, the odds are good that most, if not all, of the ashes would simply get swallowed or sneezed out of Richards' body.

Luckily for Richards, the cremated remains wouldn't have included any big bone fragments that might get stuck in his nose and obstruct his breathing (or interrupt the snorting process). His father's body would have spent a few hours in a 1,400- to 1,800-degree cremation chamber, and then the ashes would be run through a processor, like a giant blender, to give them a uniform texture and smooth out any remaining bone fragments. Magnets help remove any metal objects—like surgical pins or shrapnel—from the ashes.

Reborn

2007-04-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

It’s Good Friday, and I have to say it is truly a Good Friday. I am grateful today to be alive, sober, loved by family and friends, and blessed by my Higher Power.

I was talking with my sister Nancy last night about Easter plans. I don’t go to church a lot, but from time to time I like to go with her. We’ll go together on Easter morning to celebrate the resurrection. I can really relate to the resurrection. So many people in the fellowship have been resurrected, given a new life. We bring people back from the dead. I’ve seen miracles first hand.

Nancy and I were talking about the symbolism of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey. It is such a humble beast, a beast of burden and poverty. I believe that’s how Christ carried his message: he carried it with humility to the “everyman”. I relate to that too. I have come to know and love people from all walks of life because our fellowship is loving and tolerant of “everyman”.

At the foundation of our program is the ability to choose and define our own Higher Power and our own concept of spirituality. It doesn't matter what religion we are (or aren't). It's a journey. We come together to grow along spiritual lines. Many of us have seen a lot of hell and we are looking for a little of heaven.

I am reading a book by Pema Chodron in which there is a story about understanding the nature of Heaven and Hell. A big burly Samurai comes to a wise man and asks to be told about heaven and hell. The wise man says “Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you?” The samurai starts to get purple in the face, his hair starts to stand up, but the wise man won’t stop. He says, “A worm like you? Why should I tell you anything?” Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword, and he is just about to cut off the head of the wise man, when the teacher says “that’s Hell.” The samurai, who is in fact a quite sensitive person, instantly gets it; he has just created his own hell. He was deep in hell. It was black and hot, filled with hatred, anger, self protection, and so much resentment that he was going to kill this man. Tears filled his eyes and he lovingly placed his palms together. The wise man said, "That is Heaven."

I think this mirrors what we learn as we work our twelve steps: the black hole of being stuck in our anger and resentments, and the bliss of submission to acceptance of our shortcomings.

Regardless of your religion I wish you a Happy Easter Sunday, and a celebration of the miracle of Resurrection.

We were Reborn

page 63 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Balance

2007-04-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Seems like everyone wants a piece of me lately. I am working hard to maintain the balance between what I can do for others and what I need to do for myself.

Get Outta My Head

2007-04-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I am the kind of person who needs a lot of “psychological space” around me in order to stay balanced. I don’t do well when anything or anybody crashes into my emotional or mental space. I operate best coming from a place of stillness. I love quiet places. I love loud music, but a loud TV puts me right over the edge. I can’t tolerate loud voices or places ..... but I’m working on it. Unfortunately, my world is not still.

I’m guessing many of us are this way, (although I do need a lot of space). We go through life consciously, or unconsciously trying to keep a bubble of calm around us .Then wham, life happens, and something or someone gets into your “space” and in come all of the feelings and all of the circumstances that upset your calm. I think this is why we turn to addictions. Not just addicts and alcoholics…...everybody. Everyone seems to have something they reach for when their calm is disturbed.

I like my bubble of stillness. I like to say “In stillness God speaks to Me.” This is true. But if I’m to be courageous on my spiritual journey, it is time to learn to listen to God while I am in the thick of the chaos in my head, not just in silence. I know for me, as a person in recovery, when I get those uncomfortable feelings like resentment, disappointment, embarrassment, fear, or shame, my head starts up this non stop running dialogue that is so harsh and so unrelenting that I lose all clarity. I get very raw, very wide open, and yet at the same time very shut down. It’s a confusing out of control mind-fuck. This dialogue can run for hours or days. It runs in my sleep. Half the time I don’t even know it’s there, until someone says “Relax, you’re thinking too much.” Oh. Ok.

I am starting to understand (just a little) that when I am franticly thinking, I’m not feeling. And until I can turn and face all of my feelings, the good, the bad, the ugly, in their full glory I cannot learn from them and move on.

Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors – people who have a certain hunger to know what is true – feelings like disappointment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is we are holding back. They teach us to lean in when we feel we would rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher.
Pema Chodron

Carnival

2007-04-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

The Monkey May Be Off My Back .........

But The Circus Never Leaves Town

So some us went to a carnival yesterday!

Check out posts on Recovery and Relationships from some bloggers you know, and some you might like to meet. Just click above on "Carnival"

Uncle Randy

2007-03-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

The day my daughter Jolie was born one of the happiest people at the hospital was her Uncle Randy. He took that baby girl in his arms and promised to love her forever and ever. His partner Don promised to teach her to fold napkins a dozen ways for the perfect dinner party.

Uncle Randy kept his promise. He was devoted to Jolie and spoiled her in ways that her father and I couldn’t. He gave her sweet and thoughtful gifts, the kind of gifts that encouraged her to be the best she could be, like swimming lessons, guitar lessons, books, and music. Jolie adored her Uncle; it was fun to watch the two of them together. Randy would have made a great father.

Randy and Don were together a little over 15 years. I can’t say exactly what ended their relationship, but their Newport Beach gay lifestyle involved a lot of alcohol so it was probably the same story we all hear in the “rooms”. Don died shortly after the break up; he struck his head on a toilet seat and bled to death presumably while in a black out.

Randy always lived alone after that. He had a few friends, but no one that he ever got close to. Jolie was his weekend companion, confidant and shining star. She would spend the night; they would get movies and a pizza. Sometimes they went to LA to the theatre. They just hung out, the way you do with people you love. That was the weekends. During the week Randy was lonely, remorseful, bitter and isolated, and so he drank.

Jolie knew he had a problem. I knew he had a problem. I did nothing. He was so intensely private. I had ten years of sobriety at the time but I didn’t know how to reach across that gulf.

In July of 2003 Randy reached a new low. He led Jolie to believe he may traveling for awhile. He put his truck in his garage, and his gun in his mouth.

Two months passed by before Jolie and her father found Randy’s body. Two months of Jolie calling, and emailing, and driving by his house. It ended when she finally went into his backyard and saw through the window that the house was swarming with flies, and she knew she had to call me, and the police. I say “it ended” but of course it will never end for Jolie. The trauma of that day…. sights, smell, shock and loss changed her forever. Randy’ s alcoholism and despair claimed two victims that day.

The picture above is Jolie and Uncle Randy at her high school graduation in 2001. He is just as proud as he was on the day she was born. She has decorated her shoes to look like ruby red slippers. She believes at this point in her life that she can click her heels three times and go anywhere.

After Randy’s suicide Jolie suffered in a way that was almost unbearable for me to watch. I struggled to find a balance between helping her, and letting go enough to let her grieve in her own way. She dealt with her pain exactly the way I did when I was young. She drank, she got stoned, she dropped out of college, she got into self loathing and she got angry. I watched her walk the dark hallways of her own heart and mind and slowly self destruct. Finally in April last year she said “enough”.

Jolie took a 30 day sobriety chip at one of my meetings, and then left So California in May 2006. So I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of her decision to leave home. She moved north to Washington state and lives with her dad now. I think her prayers are for peace and understanding, for herself and others. She wants to fall in love. She wants to trust. She wants to believe in herself and the possibilities of the ruby red slippers. She still doesn’t drink, and she’s ready to go back to school. I miss her every day, but understand her choice and I think it’s the right one for her. I think California smells like death to her, and the air in Washington is so sweet.

A Dog With A Buzz

2007-03-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to sneak up on your pets to see where they get their energy

Compassion

2007-03-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

There is someone who is bothering me. She’s driving me crazy. I’ve run out of patience.

Three sentences above: 2 “me’s” and 1 “I”. That means the problem and solution probably are on me.

I know that I cannot change her, but I also know that I can change my attitude about her. The Big Book tells me:

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

Now this is a hard prescription to follow. I know it’s going to require a lot of compassion. I’m really interested in Eastern spirituality, so I “googled” compassion and found Kwan Yin.

Long ago, according to legend, Kwan Yin earned the right to enter Nirvana after her death. But when she stood before the gates of paradise, she heard the anguished voices of those left on earth and, turning away from bliss, vowed to remain in the world, gently leading others until all living things reached enlightenment. Kwan Yin, a bodhisattva, became the Goddess Of Infinite Compassion or 'she who hears the cries of the world.'

I want to be like Kwan Yin. I want to have compassion for this self centered, whiney, little twit (who won’t take direction). But today I’m feeling very human.

I talked with my sponsor last night. He just smiled and suggested that maybe there is a reason she is in my life; perhaps there is a lesson I am supposed to learn. I asked him what the lesson could possibly be, and he just smiled again. God, I hate that.

Into Action

2007-03-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been asked by a couple of friends to help them fight their way past a phase of apathy in their recovery programs recently. You know, that “stuck” feeling, where you’re just not willing to do much, and everyone is saying “You gotta have willingness!”

Scout wrote “Where does one get some if one doesn't have any? I hear about people praying for the willingness to be willing. To be honest, that seems so contrived and ridiculous to me that I am not willing to try it. So what then? I pray for the willingness to have the willingness to pray for willingness? I mean, really, where does all of that stuff stop?”

I’ll start my post with the old joke about apathy:
Sponsee: What’s worse for your program, Ignorance or Apathy?
Sponsor: I don’t know and I don’t care.

The point is we’ve all been apathetic; and there’s a lot we don’t know. The best we can do is share our experience, strength and hope; and of course, look in the Big Book.

Here is what I believe. Willingness is not something we wake up with, anymore than we suddenly wake up sober and in recovery one day. This is an action program. Therein is the irony. You need to take action to be willing, and you need to be willing to take action. So what do we do? Yes, dear Scout, I’m afraid we do pray that ridiculous sounding request. We pray for the willingness to be willing. But let’s break it down. What are we really praying for?

Willingness comes when something or someone enters our consciousness, or our awareness, that makes us want to take action. For instance, you see a hungry or abused child and you want to get into action to help. A smoker watches a loved one dying of emphezema and becomes willing to give up cigarettes. We see or hear a story that touches us in a way that we are willing to change our perception or our actions. So….what we are praying for is that our Higher Power will put something or someone into our path (our awareness) that will spur us into action.

Our part in this prayer is the “footwork”. We must place ourselves out on the firing line of life; going to meetings, out in the community, working with others. Just suit up and show up, even if you are feeling apathetic and feel you have nothing to say or offer. On pg 102 of the Big Book it says :

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.

Out there on the “firing line of life”. That is where we get spurred into action for our own recovery. We go to a recovery home or detox to be of service and we get as much or more than we give. We get willingness.

I guarantee you will not feel apathy when you are walking among those who still suffer from this disease. Christ walked among down trodden people to carry a message of hope. When Siddhartha left his palace and saw the suffering of his subjects he realized enlightenment and became Buddha. This is a spiritual program. When we bring the Sunlight of the Spirit into our consciousness, whatever our beliefs may be, willingness follows.

Staying Out of My Own Way

2007-03-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Friday night I took my chip at my home group. It’s a C/A meeting with a large turnout every Friday. I was excited all week about my sobriety birthday and really looking forward to my home group meeting. But when I arrived Friday night it felt like I was in a mental blank spot. I looked at that large crowd and knew I had to go up front and say something that made sense. I realized I’d left my brain at home. Amazing how powerful fear can be.
I usually don’t have a problem sharing in a meeting. I‘ve shared from the podium and done speaker meetings. But for some reason Friday night was different. My mental slate was wiped clean; all the usual yada-yada was gone. I started to panic a little as they did the readings and it got closer to the time for chips. I signaled for my sponsor to meet me out in the hall. I told him how much fear I was feeling and he asked why. I told him because my mind was blank and I didn’t know what I was going to say up there. He pointed out that there were at least a dozen newcomer women that had identified. He said maybe my mind was cleared out so that God could speak through me... Duh. It went great.

The Wind

2007-03-08T07:53:00.001-08:00

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore.Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows." Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew. author unknown

Today am I prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, so that I have nothing to fear when the wind blows?

Milestone

2007-03-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Melodie Beattie

Today I am grateful for the blessings and grace of my Higher Power, the love and support of my friends and family, the guidance of my amazing sponsor, the rooms, and all of you who trudge the path with me. Thank You and Bless You.

So.....I'm 14 now.......Let's Rock 'n Roll !!!

Hope & Freedom

2007-03-04T12:33:00.000-08:00

I’m going to the Alamo in San Antonio Texas for the NA World Convention August 30 to Sept 2. ! I am so excited at the idea of meeting some of you there…can we possibly make it happen? Scout and Twodogs are going to be there too….. The theme this year is “Our Message: Hope Our Promise: Freedom.

I know, I know, some of you alkies are saying, “NA? No way!”…but hey…recovery is recovery. We can hook up, do some meetings, stroll the beautiful San Antonio Riverwalk, shoot it out at the Alamo, and share some awesome fellowship. So what say? http://www.na.org/WCNA32/index.htm

Humility

2007-03-01T17:22:00.000-08:00

You know those little magnetic words that stick on a refrigerator so you can compose eclectic poetry? We had a set of those on a fridge on the back patio. When we got rid of the fridge, the magnetic words got thrown into a box, but left out back. When you have three dogs mysterious things happen to boxes left out back. To make a long story short, no matter how many times I clean them up, about once a week I will walk out back and a new word will be waiting for me on the patio. Today’s word was FLOOD. I had to smile.

I have just come through a week that was a flood of feelings. A real Tsunami. It started with a dull melancholy, turned into the blues, graduated to deep sadness and culminated in two days of non stop tears . If you had asked me why, I didn’t know. I kept in close touch with my sponsor. He told me I didn’t need to know why, that maybe I should just trust God and feel the feelings.

My husband was out of town, I was alone in the house for a few days, so that’s pretty much what I did. I laid on the couch and felt the feelings. I thought about my yesterdays, my todays and my tomorrows. On one of those days I got an email from Scott W that said “The painful times, when I must concentrate the most on the process of turning it over to God and of letting it go, have been when I have had the experience of such closeness to my Higher Power that it seems that something tissue thin is keeping me from reaching out and actually touching it.” That is exactly how it was for me. I felt God’s presence absolutely all around me, tissue thin, as though I could close my eyes and plunge into His comfort. But still it hurt.

Yesterday I woke up and it was gone. I’m at peace. I met with my sponsor last night. I told him my depression had lifted. He asked me why I was calling it “depression”. I have such a need to label everything. All I know is that something happened, it hurt, and now it is over. He asked me to consider if maybe at this stage of my recovery, on my spiritual path, I had just worked a profoundly deep sixth and seventh step. He is so wise. I re-read the seventh step in my 12 and 12 this morning. Everything that I reflected on, every regret, every sorrow, every hope and dream had given me a new humility and a new willingness to have God remove my shortcomings. Am I ready to relinquish my future to God’s plan instead of my material wishes? Am I ready to stop asserting my wishes and demands on my loved ones lives? Can I truly Let Go and Let God? Am I ready to truly accept my past as a gift that can be used in my helpfulness to others? I’m ready. What I thought was pain was catharsis. Amazing stuff, and I didn’t even see it coming.

Home

2007-02-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

When I was a child our house backed up to an elementary school playground. At the end of the day they would remove the tether balls from their poles, leaving empty chains hanging free. On windy nights the chains on all of the poles would swing and slap the poles, sending a ringing chorus into the night. I fell asleep to that sound for years.

Today I have wind chimes hanging outside my bedroom window. Last night the wind blew. I laid in bed, closed my eyes and listened. It felt like home.

I cannot go back to that home, and would not if I could. I have a good life today, rich with blessings. But I can reflect back on what felt good about it and hold it close. My mom is aging, but there is still so much to share. We can start by listening to the wind chimes. Please come home Mom.

The Sad Facts

2007-02-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Our Stories

2007-02-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

I love good stories. I especially like true stories about the human spirit overcoming obstacles; or stories about people who endure great suffering and emerge profoundly changed. Storytelling isn’t as commonplace as it used to be. There was a time when family memoirs were passed through the generations via story telling; and the chronicles of each community and culture were kept sacred by its stories. It seems like now that has been replaced by media and our personal or communal stories often get lost or ignored.

We all have a story. It has a beginning and a middle and, of course, will have an end. Sometimes discovering that story, that inner story, is a process that takes some time and some courage. One of the things I love about 12 step programs is that it is one of the few communities where we still tell our stories.

We tell them when we celebrate a sobriety birthday, or speak, or qualify at a meeting. We share them with our sponsees. Every time I tell my story I unearth more truth about myself. I usually start out nervous and tentative, afraid of rejection or judgment. Then someone will give me a smile or nod of understanding, as though to say “I hear you, I understand you…” and with that nod I get the courage to go deeper, share more of myself, and reveal more of God’s miracles in my life today.

I think God wants us to share our stories. We have a responsibility to chronicle the miracle. He also wants us to be courageous. I need to look deep, to find my innermost sorrows and fears, the weakness and inadequacies that are a part of my story. When I discover my truth and understand how it shaped my story it becomes my Experience, Strength and Hope. Just for Today I have Nothing to Fear.

Through story we draw connections between the happenings of life and the lessons of God. We catch God suddenly in the thick of our days. Sue Monk Kidd Firstlight

Milestones

2007-02-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

T.K. at http://www.sobertoday.org/ celebrated 30 days on Saturday. Awesome.....

Talking Urinals

2007-02-15T21:25:00.000-08:00

New Mexico is hoping to keep drunks off the road by lecturing them at the last place they usually stop before getting behind the wheel: the urinal.
The state recently paid $21 each for about 500 talking urinal deodorizer cakes and has put them in men's rooms in bars and restaurants across the state.

When a man steps up, the motion-sensitive plastic device says, in a woman's voice that is flirty, then stern: "Hey, big guy. Having a few drinks? Think you had one too many? Then it's time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home."
The recorded message ends: "Remember, your future is in your hand."

Odd...I figured at this moment their dick would be in their hand.

Turning Points

2007-02-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

I feel like I’m at a turning point, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if it is a beginning or and ending. Maybe it is just a surrender, but I don’t know what I’m surrendering. I feel different inside. My mind has become very quiet.

I’ve always had a very noisy mind. I think too much, plan, analyze, wonder, second guess….. It seems to have just calmed. I feel like I want to knock on my temple and say Helloooo? Anybody in there? Where has the committee gone?

I’ve been doing 11th step work, learning about meditation and God consciousness. The actual practice of meditation didn’t come easy to me at first. I struggled to silence my mind and stay focused; often I fell asleep. But it’s getting better, easier……progress, not perfection. My amazing moments in meditation come when I finally get quiet enough to let go into God. At that moment it is just me and divine peace.

I don’t understand my turning point, but I know I’m changing, and I like it. I think it’s ironic that my 11th step work has brought about Surrender and new Clarity to my faith….as though the 11th and 12th steps eventually lead you right back to an even more powerful 1st, 2nd and 3rd, like a big circle. Something new for me to ponder.

We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon. BB pg 59

Love

2007-02-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

Keep Your Heart Open Today.......

Remember Love Comes From Unexpected Places

Sober Softball

2007-02-11T14:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend was the 13th Annual Code Blue Sober Softball Tournament. Code Blue is the team Patrick plays on, and he was the director of the tournament again this year. We had 15 teams of sober men and women from up and down the California coast show up for a weekend of softball and fellowship. It was awesome as usual, and I saw a lot of friends, old and new.

Sober softball has been a huge part of our recovery journey. The fellowship that has grown out of sober league and tournament play is great. We spend the day on the fields, kids, dogs, spirited competition and renewing friendships with friends we often only see at tournaments. There is always a Saturday night meeting, with heartfelt sharing. Some of the guys claim that without sober softball they might not have hung around in the beginning. I don’t know. It takes what it takes. I do know that you have to be sober to play, and these young guys show up wanting to play. They latch on and hang out and the miracle starts to happen, just like it does in any other venue.

I see the program in action on the fields. I watch the higher division players mentoring the newcomers. I see guys finding sponsors. I see altercations break out on the field that result in resentments…that get let go. I watch families spending time together. One of the best things I see is sober men going out on those fields and playing like testosterone crazed animals, then humbly bowing their heads and praying together after every game. What could be better than that?

The Universe Listens

2007-02-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

Monday on my lunch hour I was reading sober blogs and I came across Lash’s post. http://coffeebitch.blogspot.com/ He wrote about his son having a melt down because he didn’t want to stay at preschool that day; and his own reaction to the entire experience. Apparently his kid kicked and screamed and Lash had to take him out of there….well, read the post.

It was “just another manic Monday” for me. A long week looming ahead. I commented on Lash’s post: I want to go home too. I'm at work. If only I could kick the wall and scream and someone would love me enough to pick me up and take me outta here.

Obviously someone loved me enough

Less than four hours later my boss told me that my job is being cut back to two days a week.

I could write about my wounded ego, or about fear, or even about anger. They all came up. But those are all states of mind. They come, they go. They don’t serve me today.

What I want to write about is the absolute evidence that God is working in my life, gently caring for my mind, my body and my spirit. When we do our 3rd step prayer and surrender our will and our life to God’s care, it has been my experience that the Universe listens. We get gifts, even if we don’t like the way they are packaged.

We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. Page 63 BB

Why We Were Chosen

2007-02-06T23:33:00.000-08:00

Why We Were Chosen
An often seen piece of AA literature is a small pamphlet called "Why We Were Chosen". The source of this pamphlet is a speech given by Judge John T. on the 4th Anniversary of the Chicago Group in 1943. A portion of it follows.

God in His wisdom selected this group of men and women to be purveyors of His goodness. In selecting them through whom to bring about this phenomenon He went not to the proud, the mighty, the famous or the brilliant. He went instead to the humble, to the sick, to the unfortunate. He went right to the drunkard, the so-called weakling of the world. Well might He have said the following words to us:

"Unto your weak and feeble hands I have entrusted a power beyond estimate. To you has been given that which has been denied the most learned of your fellows. Not to scientists or statesmen, not to wives or mothers, not even to my priests or ministers have I given this gift of healing other alcoholics which I entrust to you."

"It must be used unselfishly; it carries with it grave responsibility. No day can be too long; no demands upon your time can be too urgent; no case can be too pitiful; no task too hard; no effort too great. It must be used with tolerance for I have restricted its application to no race, no creed, and no denomination. Personal criticism you must expect; lack of appreciation will be common; ridicule will be your lot; your motives will be misjudged. You must be prepared for adversity, for what men call adversity is the ladder you must use to ascend the rungs toward spiritual perfection, and remember, in the exercise of this power I shall not exact from you beyond your capabilities."

"You are not selected because of exceptional talents, and be careful always, if success attends your efforts not to ascribe to personal superiority that to which you can lay claim only by virtue of my gift. If I had wanted learned men to accomplish this mission, this power would have been entrusted to the physician and scientist. If I had wanted eloquent men, there would have been many anxious for the assignment, for talk is the easiest used of all talents with which I have endowed mankind. If I had wanted scholarly men, the world is filled with better qualified men than you who would be available. You were selected because you have been the outcasts of the world and your long experience as drunkards has made or should make you humbly alert to the cries of distress that come from the lonely hearts of alcoholics everywhere."

"Keep ever in mind the admission you made on the day of your profession in AA -- namely that you are powerless and that it was only with your willingness to turn your life and will unto my keeping that relief came to you."

Save My Ta-Tas

2007-02-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

On January 31 our world lost another strong woman to breast cancer. Molly Ivins was a syndicated columnist who wrote about people, power, politics, and the absurdities of life. With humor and passion, whatever your position, she made you think. If you want to read more about her, check out 2dogs blog at http://twodogsbarking.blogspot.com/ .

I’m sad about Molly’s passing. This world needs more strong women who stand up for their principles, no matter what. I don’t want to write about her politics. I don’t want to distract myself from the larger issue here…. She kicked breast cancer in the ass for 7 years and kept on trudging.

Molly learned she had breast cancer in 1999 and described her treatments. “First they mutilate you; then they poison you; then they burn you,” she wrote. “I have been on blind dates better than that.”

When someone I care about is diagnosed with breast cancer (and there’s always someone it seems) it reminds me that it's time to go in for a mammogram AGAIN. God I hate that. But APPARENTLY it’s the only cost effective way that medical science has come up with for early detection. Now (gentlemen) let me give you a little clue about the mammogram experience from one of those joke emails that goes around.

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

That is pretty damn accurate. Now, I have to ask, how come we can fly a jet over Pakistan and tell you what all those Pakistani people are eating for dinner; or park a van on a street in New York and peer into the private lives of skyscraper apartment dwellers, and yet this is the best medical science has come up with to check what’s up inside my ta-tas?

Freedom From Bondage

2007-02-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

My friend S. walks this path with me. We manage to either see each other or talk daily, and hit a couple of meetings a week together. Our current obsession is dinner at Bagel Me before our Friday night meeting. We’ve agreed that the only acceptable excuse for missing that is “your own funeral.” It has nothing to do with the food. It’s all about the chance to sit down with someone dear to your heart and share an hour.

S. is an alcoholic that struggles with dual diagnosis of bi-polar issues. I’ve faced the demon of depression over the years myself, so I know the toll it can take on your ability to face “people, places and things.” It’s good to stay current, laugh, cry, hold hands and share our recovery insights. She has a degree in psychology and has worked in the field, but at this point in her life her comfort zone is animals. So she went back to school and is working as a vet tech. I understand that totally. My pets give me unconditional love and joy.

The cat in the picture above is named Ebony. His owner suffered brain damage in an auto accident in July. Ebony has been boarded at the vet’s office now for six months. Unfortunately, they have now been told his owner will not be able to take him home. I told S. I would try to help her find him a home. He is a sweet loving cat who has been declawed (all 4) and neutered. He comes when called, loves to purr and cuddle and deserves more than a cage.

I don’t know if this blog is the right way to start trying to find Ebony a home. I just know that today I am glad to be of service to a dear friend. Afterall, I’ve been locked up, haven’t we all?

Dog Beer Hits The Market

2007-01-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

I saw this product advertised recently and was shocked. I took my concerns to our veterinarian and he confirmed my suspicions. It seems that an alarming number of dogs have been enjoying this Doggie Beer and have developed a real problem.

It starts innocently enough, just a little staying up late hanging out at the bowl. Then you get the howling loudly at inappropriate hours and refusing to obey. Some of them shred their toys with no apparent regard for the consequence; many of them develop a passion for jaywalking.

My vet said they are like dogs who have lost their legs. They never grow new ones. Without legs, the males can’t lift them. They dribble their pee everywhere, on rugs and carpets, even right next to the beer bowl, refusing to leave it for even a moment. The sad fact is that many of them have lost the power to choose whether they will drink this or not. They must have it, and they will pester you and pester you until you pour them more.

Please, for the sake of Walden & Twodogs, for Bunny & Olive, for Bob, Charlie & Lucy…for our canine friends everywhere….boycott this product.

The Twelve Spiritual Principles

2007-01-29T23:33:00.000-08:00

Honesty
Step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Hope
Step 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Faith
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Courage
Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Integrity
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Willingness
Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humility
Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Brotherly Love
Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Justice
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Perserverance
Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Spirituality
Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

Service
Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Pandora's Box

2007-01-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

Our Wed night meeting topic followed the reading in Just For Today: Isolation. All of the ways that Isolation cut us off from life when we were practicing our addictions; and how working a program of recovery can restore us to the life we were intended to live.

I show up at meetings to share my experience, strength and hope. This meeting was no different. I shared freely about the time in my life when I cut myself off from family, friends, spirituality and truth, hopelessly mired in my disease. I talked about lying, cheating and stealing. I shared about compromised morals and a complete loss of integrity. I also shared the hardest memories too, since there were other mothers in the room. These were memories concerning my daughter. The opportunities that were lost to her, the conditions she was forced to live in, and the hardships of my life that she witnessed at a very impressionable age. I try to wrap up all of my sharing with solution, so I did that too…. I described how it is today thanks to my program and a Power greater than myself that has restored my life.

I’m writing about this because I am uncomfortable and deeply sad today. For the first time ever I walked out of a meeting and my sharing has haunted me. Memories of this time in my life are flooding back. This has all been covered in my step work; will it ever stop hurting? Does shame ever completely go away? Are we ever really free of the bondage of self?

Today I do regret the past. Today I do wish to close the door on it. Forgive me.

My sponsor has directed me to the story of Pandora’ Box:

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".
Pandora had a box which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the box, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the box had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope.

Today I will hold on to Hope. If there is one thing I know it is that This Too Shall Pass.

Ouch!

2007-01-23T17:17:00.000-08:00

Just in case you think you're the only one having a bad day.......

Courage

2007-01-22T21:08:00.000-08:00

"We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets."

page 124 Big Book

Sunday Morning Blessings

2007-01-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

We work so damn hard, sometimes I wonder “how did I get here?” or “is it all really worth it?” At moments like that I need to take a moment to reflect on where I came from; where I am going; and ultimately to bring my mind back into the NOW.

The NOW is where my Higher Power speaks to me. The NOW is where an awareness of the true blessings of my life are revealed.

My husband is 17 years clean and sober, works a kick ass program and makes his living as a mortgage broker. He also devotes himself to hiking or climbing every weekend and is active in sober softball. His schedule is a nightmare.

I work as a controller for a company at quite a distance, so my job requires a long commute. I’d like to think I work a good program, so I hit at least 3 meetings a week. Some nights I drag myself home after a long day and I think “WTF? I’m too tired to think.” I throw being a wife, mother, friend, sponsor and HUMAN into the mix, and it overwhelms me. It’s tax time now and I’ve got my head in a craze about all of the work that needs to done.

Often it feels like Patrick and I are just ships passing in the night; each of us on our way to somewhere else.

I say that’s how it feels. The reality is, when I am willing to bring my head into this day, this moment, this NOW, our life together is full of sweet quiet moments. I just need to quiet my mind and open my eyes.

This morning we sat in the living room with the Sunday paper and the sun coming through the window. Patrick started a wrestling match with Lucy, and Bob and Charlie jumped in. It was great, it was a gift of our sobriety that I would have missed if my mind was cluttered and thinking ahead to all of the work that needs to be done.

I wonder how many other gifts I miss out on?

Meditation for the Day

I will take the most crowded day without fear. I believe that God is with me and controlling all. I will let confidence be the motif running through all the crowded day. I will not get worried, because I know that God is my helper. Underneath are the everlasting arms. I will rest in them, even though the day is full of things crowding in upon me.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may be calm and let nothing upset me. I pray that I may not let material things control me and choke out spiritual things.

From Twenty Four Hours a Day

Welcome Wagon

2007-01-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

I've been enjoying a new sober blogger from London. Drop in and give him a comment if you will! http://odetoanightingale.blogspot.com/

Check The Small Print

2007-01-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

WE ARE ONE

2007-01-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

When I started blogging in August I really had no expectations. I’ve learned in my recovery program that often it is best to put effort into something (anything) without investing in the outcome. I’ve never been good at keeping a journal. I’ve had thoughts, memories, moments of clarity and epiphanies that I meant to jot down somewhere, but I never did. Time went by and some were lost forever.

I’ve always liked to write, but thought I needed some greater purpose to “put pen to paper”. My sponsor pointed me to blogging and I thought WTF I could do this!

The gifts of this experience have been similar to the gifts of working a program of recovery. They far far exceed anything I could possibly have imagined. I have had the honor and privilege of meeting and bonding with people from all over the country and even the globe. I have learned that the road we trudge is the same road.. Whether it is AA, NA, CA, Alanon, or just people dealing with life on life's own terms. WE ARE ONE.

I have shared my experience, strength and hope at a gut level and a heart to heart level with perfect strangers who somehow know me, who SEE ME, who “get me”. I have grown to love them. Likewise, I have been able to reach out to them, and without fail the answers come. My Higher Power speaks to me in mysterious ways.

These are troubled times for humanity. The saving grace for me is knowing that there are people everywhere who face common challenges, share common fears and suffer similar setbacks. And still they trudge. It doesn’t matter what religion we practice, FAITH unites us. Faith that we will prevail because we have turned our will and our lives over to the CARE of a power greater than ourselves.

For those of you who are part of my blogging community, thank you. My gratitude is deep. And for those of you who are not, look at the above picture, and meet some of the dearest, finest, most loving souls God ever created.

They knew they had a host of new friends; it seemed they had known these strangers always. They had seen miracles, and one was to come to them. They had visioned the Great Reality -- their loving and All Powerful Creator.

From A Vision For You Page 161 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Seventh Tradition

2007-01-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

A one dollar bill ran into a twenty dollar bill at the bank one day and struck up a conversation. “So,how’s it going? asked the One. Where you been?” “Oh, the usual”, said the Twenty. “Restaurants, clubbing, went on a cruise actually, and made it down to Mexico a few times. How about you?” asked the Twenty?

“Oh, the usual” said the One … “meetings, meetings, meetings.”

The 7th Tradition
Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Evolving Spiritual Journey

2007-01-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

"I know that faith in my Higher Power will not calm the storms of life, but it will calm my heart. I will let my faith shelter me in times of trouble."

Just For Today Daily Meditation January 11

Graffiti

2007-01-09T23:04:00.000-08:00

You think so ??

Nothing To Fear

2007-01-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

I had a using dream last night. I never know why they happen. Maybe this time it’s because I have an ear infection and there are pain meds in the house. (A time for vigilance.) What is interesting about the dream is what I learned from it. Normally when I have a dream like that, I wake up and try to shake it off. But lately I’ve become more willing to acknowledge ALL of my feelings, the good, the bad, and even the hideous. I bow to them, but they do not own me.

What surprised me about the dream is that I don’t remember the high. I didn’t dream anything about the circumstance at all…only that I had used and now I was faced with the terrible dilemma of the cover up.

In the BB Chapter Into Action it says “More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.” This was me. I would go to any length to hide the reality of life. I lied, I isolated, and I cut myself off from friends and family. I built a house of cards, one lie supporting another, desperate to keep it all standing. Fear and constant despair, I was terrified on a daily basis.

In my dream I was desperate to hide the relapse. I schemed, lied, denied and watched myself sink into despair. It was good to wake up. I would like to think that my Higher Power tapped me on the shoulder and said “wake now, but take these reminders with you:”

We are only as sick as our secrets
Half measures avail us nothing
With honesty, open mindedness and willingness we are half way there

In my wakeful mind I know there is no shame in relapse. I would like to think I would never ever attempt to hide it, if I was so unfortunate. No, I think the point of the dream was to remind me that there are always aspects of our disease that are alive and well, just below the surface. I must be mindful. Secrets, lies, cover-ups, even if they are casual , are still secrets, lies and cover-ups. They are half measures. When might I cross the line?

Ultimately, the recovery we find in NA is something different: a chance at a new life. We've been given tools to clear the wreckage from our lives. We have been given support in courageously setting forth on a new path. And we've been given the gift of conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, providing us with the inner strength and direction we so sorely lacked in the past.

Recovering? Yes, in every way. We're recovering a whole new life, better than anything we ever dreamed possible. We are grateful.

Just For Today, Sunday Jan 7, 2007

Adios

2007-01-03T12:03:00.000-08:00

Good bye to my sweet daughter Jolie. Vaya con Dios until we are together again.

It is difficult for us to learn something when we believe that all teaching should go in one direction. How much we miss in that arrogance.

Perhaps one of the reasons my child was chosen for me as a parent was because I had so much to learn.

From Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef

A New Beginning

2006-12-31T11:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year is such a large wish. I like to take things in smaller increments. So I am wishing you all a Happy New Day, and hoping we all will be blessed with 364 more.

Tonight we will be sharing our home with friends and loved ones from the fellowship. What a blessing. I read A Vision For You this morning. I love the line "He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave." Another promise has come true...........

Remember in the coming year, More Will Be Revealed.

God Bless and Grace you All

Namaste

2006-12-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

Today my gratitude is for my daughter Jolie's homecoming. She arrives Christmas Day!

Top Ten Things We'll Do While She Is Here:

1. Cuddle
2. Yak Yak Yak
3. Reindeer Prance Dance
4. Go to Starbucks
5. Shop the Sales
6. Go to Some Meetings
7. Run around in our jammies
8. Get a pedicure in a spa chair
9. Sing to the dogs
10. Cuddle more