Floating On A Tidal Wave ....

Don't Give Up

2009-04-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

There was a lady in our women’s meeting tonight who sat next to me but kept her head down for most of the meeting. When they called for newcomers to identify, she reluctantly introduced herself. She wore despair and shame like a cloak. I had the strongest urge to reach over and hold her hand, but I knew that would really send her over the edge. I mean really…who does that?

It was a great meeting. There was a lot of laughter and some real heartfelt sharing. I could “feel” her next to me, and I noticed my focus shifting off of the meeting and on to her. I wanted her to feel something….anything….I wanted her to walk out of that meeting with HOPE.

When the meeting ended I asked her what she thought. “Did she like it?” She said “well no, it was too overwhelming.” I remember that feeling. She asked how long ago I stopped drinking. When I told her she looked sad. She said she would like to just be able to stop for 24 hours. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and coming from her pores. I told her I understood.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

from There Is A Solution Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

GRACE LAND

2009-03-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have these moments in life that I think of as “peak moments” – small experiences that may be insignificant and brief, but they touch my heart so profoundly that I know I will carry them with me always. I treasure my “peak moments”. They’re very personal, hard to explain, and I rarely speak about them. They are those “you had to have been there deals” that just don’t translate into words. I play them back like little movies sometimes, when I need comfort or renewed hope, or just to remind myself of how rich life can be sometimes.

I had a “peak moment” last week. My daughter was down from Seattle for seven days. She’s lived up north for three years now and we still suffer from separation anxiety. We talk daily and live this kind of calendar limbo thing where we count the months between trips. I think when we are finally together emotions run high. We’re happy, we’re sad, we share stuff, and we talk talk talk. If you’ve read any of my previous posts about her http://megmoran.blogspot.com/2007/01/pandoras-box.html or http://megmoran.blogspot.com/2007/03/uncle-randy.html then you know that she has had some challenges to face. She has had even more, but I wouldn’t write about her “stuff”. When she arrived this time she was dragging with her a bruised ego and broken heart, one of the worst I’ve ever seen. I wanted to hug her pain away. She’s also at a point in her life where she has some real important choices to make about her future. But oh, that pain………funny how when our hearts are broken we question and second guess everything – all of our choices.

So, back to that peak moment. We were on our way out to dinner, driving down the freeway. It’s late, its dark and the colored lights of businesses are flying by. My car is small and we’re sitting side by side, she’s not saying much. I punch on the radio and Paul Simon comes on singing Graceland. I reached over and took her hand, we listened to the lyrics and we drove on. That’s it. That’s my peak moment. See? I told you they don’t translate into words.

The song is about a guy whose wife has left him and he is broken hearted, so he is going to Graceland. His traveling companions are “ghosts and empty sockets”. He sings about a girl in New York City who calls herself the human trampoline. And I know my daughter feels exactly like that girl. But then he says when she’s falling, flying tumbling in turmoil she’s bouncing into Graceland. Graceland? I don’t think he’s talking about a place in Memphis. He’s talking about when you bottom out Grace saves the day. Finally he says there’s some part of me wants to see Graceland. And I may be obliged to defend every love, every ending or maybe there’s no obligations now. Maybe I’ve a reason to believe we all will be received In Graceland.

I thought about God’s Grace. How grace is always there for me and will always be there for her. I think Graceland is everywhere. I know I felt it last week on the 91 freeway.

Pill Anonymous

2009-03-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

I hated all the hoopla when Anna Nicole Smith died. The media circus was hardly tolerable. Sometimes I feel ashamed to even own a TV when coverage is so crude. But current events have caught my interest. Apparently Ms. Smith’s doctors are being held accountable for her death. Prosecutors allege that they "repeatedly and excessively furnished thousands of prescription pills to Anna Nicole Smith, often for no legitimate medical purpose." Now this is HUGE news, BIG HEADLINES. Anna Nicole Smith was after all a celebrity.

For the people at the Wednesday night Pills Anonymous meeting in Anaheim the news of Anna Nicole Smith’s overdose was not headline stuff. We didn’t even blink. We’ve buried friends. And doctors supplied our pills. Repeated and excessively.

Pill addiction is insidious. People don’t talk about it, but most know someone who is taking just a “few” too many benzos or opiates to manage their anxiety or pain. It’s one of those underground addictions that are hard for loved ones to gauge, especially confusing because prescriptions are written by doctors.

We know. We’ve been there. The Pills Anonymous introduction (read at the beginning of every meeting) says in part:

Although we have subjected ourselves to substances every bit as powerful as street drugs, our “Dealers” — sometimes knowingly, often unwittingly — were physicians and pharmacists, so we have usually had to commit few, if any, crimes to obtain our “fix.” Insurance companies often paid for at least part of our abuse. Our illegitimate activities were usually limited to acts which illustrate our astounding capability for deceit, such as getting prescriptions from multiple doctors simultaneously, stealing medications from our friends’ and family’s medicine cabinets, and occasionally forging prescriptions. We memorized the contents of the Physicians’ Desk Reference (PDR) so that we could precisely describe symptoms that elicited the prescription we craved. And above all, we hid our pills and our conniving not only from those who know us but, by denial and delusion, from ourselves.

The people who come to Pills Anonymous are just like the people who reach out to any other 12 step fellowship. We come together once a week to support each other, and work a program of recovery from using pills addictively. According to the SAMHSA Health Information Network one-third of all U.S. drug abuse is prescription drug abuse. And yet there are usually only about 10 people at our meeting. At the end we have a moment of silent prayer for the addict still suffering out there. I know there are a lot of them. I’m so sorry it is too late for Anna.

Addict Cats

2009-03-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

Well now we know where they go at night ..... and why they have such a bad attitude in the morning

God Does Not Have Ears

2009-03-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been fascinated by prayer beads. I don’t have any, but some of my friends do, and I have a blogging friend http://www.twelvebeads.com/ who makes beautiful beads, and someday I’ll indulge myself and buy some. I like to think about the ritual of saying a prayer with beads, fingering each stone and offering up a piece of my heart. I like the idea that each bead might represent something. I could use the beads as a gratitude list. I’d say a prayer of thanksgiving touching each bead as I think about all of the amazing things that I have been given in sobriety. My husband, my daughter, my home, my job, my family and friends. All of these things seemed lost to me years ago. I could use the beads to consider my journey, touching each bead and asking my Higher Power for knowledge of His will for me in each area of my life. Each bead could represent a family member or friend, or someone still suffering as I pray for God’s blessings on them.

Prayer has never come easy to me. My spiritual journey has been an intense evolution of discarding some childhood notions and establishing a new relationship with a God of my understanding. I see constant evidence of God in my life, but I want to feel connected. When I am alone, the conscious contact with God can feel elusive. More often than not while praying at night I fall asleep. (I trust the Lord knows I’m tired.) My husband and I have just recently started praying together. They are short, sweet prayers of gratitude. It is incredibly intimate to pray with someone you love. Awkward but intimate. When I pray in groups, it just feels like words. I sneak my eyes open and find other people feeling the same way.

There are times though when my prayer connection is absolute and overwhelming. These times are when I pray without words. I simply close my eyes, quiet my mind and offer up my feelings. I picture all of my joy, pain, confusion, hope, defeat, everything beaming straight up to God without one word spoken. I’ve decided that God does not have ears. I can talk to him heart to heart. But I do think I am going to get some beads.

Give It Away Or Choke On It

2009-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

I met a friend for coffee Saturday morning. A man was sitting outside of Coffee Bean reading by the entrance. I glanced at him and smiled. “Good book?” I asked. “Oh yeah” he answered and then launched into what can only be described as a ten minute rant about what he was reading and what is wrong with America today. Apparently (according to him) the poor and the middle classes are sucking the life out of this great country and the new administration is poised to give “it” (whatever “it” is) all away. I’m not good at confrontation, and I was not raised to be rude, but this was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I excused myself with something less than grace, made a mental note to say a prayer for his black heart and went on inside.

The next day at church was Compassion Sunday. That is the day when we feed the homeless and distribute groceries to anyone who needs help. They made an announcement that demand was unexpectedly up 60% and our supply was dangerously low. So an appeal went out to bring food for the bank next week. Is this what he meant? Is this the sucking?

As my husband and I left church we looked at the line of people waiting for meals and groceries. I saw myself in it. Before I got sober I used to take my little girl by the hand and we would go to a place called S.O.S. (Share Our Selves) They would give us peanut butter, bread, lettuce, and diapers…whatever. It helped. It helped a lot. Yes my own bad choices were the reason I was in that line. Yes I was an addict and my money was going to drugs. But I have to wonder if I had not been given that food, would I have the compassion today to turn around and give others food? If people had not helped and believed in me, would I know how to help and believe in others? Everything in this life is a circle and it starts with the compassion of my Higher Power’s Grace. He was working in my life long before I even got sober.

Who is to say that reaching out and helping someone now is a waste of effort or America’s money. In sobriety I have learned that in order to keep something I have to give it away. I would rather live with compassion as my guide than a black heart that is so wounded it needs to rant at strangers outside of a coffee shop on a beautiful day.

Wartime Prayers

2009-02-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

I honestly think that sometimes the best indication of what’s going on in America can be gauged by the spam we get in our email. For the last month my junk email box has been overflowing with three predominant themes: Emails advertising online prescription tranquilizers, replica Rolex watches, and Viagra.

Now, everyone knows that times are hard, and stress levels are at an all time high. But really, are Americans comforting themselves by putting on junk jewelry, getting stoned and screwing?

Wartime Prayers Paul Simon

Times are hard, it's a hard time

But everybody knows all about hard times.

The thing is, what are you gonna do?

Well, you cry and try to muscle through

Try to rearrange your stuff

But when the wounds are deep enough,

It's all that we can bear,

We wrap ourselves in prayer.

Because you cannot walk with the holy,

If you're just a halfway decent man.

I don't pretend that I'm a mastermind

With a genius marketing plan.

I'm trying to tap into some wisdom,

Even a little drop will do.

I want to rid my heart of envy

And cleanse my soul of rage

Before I'm through.

A mother murmurs in twilight sleep

And draws her babies closer.

With hush-a-byes for sleepy eyes,

And kisses on the shoulder.

To drive away despair

She says a wartime prayer

Take A Step Back

2009-02-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how much longer I can work in a drug and alcohol treatment center that is court ordered. Most of the women aren’t here because they’ve seen the light. They’re here because they’re feeling the heat. I haven’t worked with one yet that was really “on fire” for recovery. I don’t mean that to sound judgmental. Lord knows they arrive with a shitload of baggage and this is just another stop along the line. Some of them are just doing their time, they aren't really serious about recovery. It breaks my heart to know that there is a solution, and it is available to anyone with a little willingness and faith. I don’t know why some of us choose life and some choose the inevitable jails, institutions and death.

When they violate and leave, it seems there’s little or no hope for them……..And their children…what happens to those sweet children that had just begun to feel they had a safe place to lay their head at night?

I’m relatively new at this. I haven’t learned how to divorce my feelings from “the job”. I was warned in the beginning that I might eventually suffer from compassion burnout and wouldn’t feel anything. I’ve been doing this for a year now and (for me) it’s quite the opposite. I’m on compassion overload. Lately there has been one too many heartaches. I think I need to step back for awhile.

Point Blank Bruce Springsteen
Well I saw you last night down on the avenue
Your face was in the shadows but I knew that it was you
You were standin' in the doorway out of the rain
You didn't answer when I called out your name
You just turned, and looked away just another stranger waitin' to get blown away
Point blank, right between the eyes
Point blank, right between the pretty lies you fell
Yea point blank, you've been twisted up till you've become just another part of it
Point blank, you're walkin' in the sights,
Point blank, livin' one false move just one false move away

Cause point blank, bang bang baby you're dead.

Attitude Adjustment

2009-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

The more I listen to the news, the more powerless I feel. All I can change right now is my response. Here are some random acts of kindness that I will use to adjust my attitude.

Keep birdseed in the feeder
Smile at all the really old people I see
Ask store clerks how they are doing today
Hug my friends often
Take clothes to a charity
Take food to a food bank
Say something nice about someone I don’t like
Really listen to people
Take a pie to my fire station
Pass some favorite books on to friends
Make some music mix cds for friends
Visit a lonely person
Call my mom more
Let someone go ahead of me in line often
Forgive
Recycle
Tell others they matter to me

What About The God Deal?

2009-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

When I share with people that I’m in a 12 step fellowship they often ask about “the God deal”. It’s an interesting question, and my answer is probably never the same. My concept of spirituality and Higher Power evolves constantly, and of course it’s very personal. I think what many people really want to know, but hesitate to ask is “hey, if I go to AA do I have to get onboard with this whole God thing?”

My answer to that is “It may not be the whole God thing, but you’re gonna have to get on board with something.”

The good news is that each person gets to choose what that “something” is in the beginning, and then grow along spiritual lines. Maybe your spiritual awakening will be as literal as it sounds….your spirit will begin to wake up. After years of being absorbed with self you will realize you are not the center of the universe.

Being addicted is the highway of destruction. There are other highways. With a little willingness and without all that incessant mind chatter you might discover a new path. At the foundation of our program is the ability to choose and define our own Higher Power and our own concept of spirituality. It doesn't matter what religion we are (or aren't). It's a journey. Many of us have seen a lot of hell and we are looking for a little of heaven. In the end we’re all gonna have to serve somebody.

Bob Dylan Gonna Have to Serve Somebody

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

You might be a rock 'n' roll addict prancing on the stage,

You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage,

You may be a business man or some high degree thief,

They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief
But you're gonna have to serve somebody,

yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody,

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

You may be a construction worker working on a home,

You may be living in a mansion or you might live in a dome,

You might own guns and you might even own tanks,

You might be somebody's landlord, you might even own banks

Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

Every Stone A Story

2009-01-19T13:27:00.000-08:00

I've been working for a year now in a residential treatment center for female alcoholics and addicts. The facility is a six month program for pregnant women or mothers with young children. It's one of the only places around here that a pregnant woman or mother can get treatment and bring her children with her. Many are jail releases; most are on probation or parole. All of them are addicted, lack parenting or any kind of social skills and arrive with a criminal record and a story. Their stories include trauma and despair, broken lives, broken families, broken hearts. The reunification with their children can be chaotic. They trust no one.

When I first started working here I was so naive. While I was studying for my degree in Addictions I imagined making a difference in lives. I based my imaginings on my years of twelve step meetings and sponsorship. I thought I'd go to work, bond with the clients, introduce the steps and save lives.

Reality in a treatment center like this is quite different. The twelve steps and bonding will be important to each client at some point, but the first order of business is to teach them not to put a fork in each other's eye in the dining room. The mothers need substance abuse treatment and counseling. The children need to be loved, nurtured and healed. The cycle of abuse stops here. It takes a village to heal these children.

I have learned so much in the last year I feel like a different person. I am living the concepts of "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" and "first things first". I am learning there are many effective approachs for treating addiction and each person has pain and trauma that needs to be considered as part of the treatment. I understand that my ego thought I could make a difference. That will never happen. Only God can make a difference in people's lives and my job is to show up and do God's work.

Some make it out of here clean and sober and go on to transistional housing with happier healthier children in tow. Some get violated, sent back to jail and their babies go into a foster care system that can be brutal. There are days I leave and think I can never go back; but there are days I get to hold a newborn brought into this world by a clean and sober mom who has new hope.

She down on the corner, just a little crime.

When I make my money, got to get my dime.

She down with her baby, wind is full of trash.

She bold as a streetlight, dark and sweet as hash.

Way down in the hollow, leavin' so soon.

Oh, St. Teresa, higher than the moon.

Show me, my Teresa, feel it rise in me.

Every stone a story, like a rosary.

Joan Osborne St. Teresa

Season of the 2nd Step

2009-01-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

I think I'll always look back at this period of my life and think of it as the “Season of the Second Step”. It seems like every day I have to rely on the assurance that God can and WILL restore me to sanity. You might think this would be a onetime event, and then we could all wash the holy water off our hands and go on home. But apparently I require restoration over and over. I seem to be slipping in and out of sanity, so to speak.

Insanity is a strong word, and I hate like hell to apply it to myself. The first time I worked my steps I thought it referred to all the “stuff” we did when we were out there drinking and using. It’s easy to look back at all of that wreckage and say “that’s insane; I must have been out of my mind.” Well, truth be told I was out of my right mind back then. But what about the insanity and wreckage that happens now in sobriety?

If I want to acheive and maintain emotional sobriety then I guess I better take a look at that wreckage and start cleaning house. Bill W. had something to say about emotional sobriety.

AA History - The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety - Bill W. "Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence -- almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. "

I can relate to that. I've been relying on people and circumstances to fill my needs and give me a sense of security in uncertain times. More than ever it is clear to me that I am powerless. Powerless over people, places and things. Powerlessness, the unknown, uncertainty ---these are words that strike fear in me. My response used to be medicate medicate medicate. Now my response is different. On a good day its prayer and surrender. On a bad day, everybody duck and cover.

It’s not enough just to be aware of the potential for insane behavior. Awareness and getting into action are entirely different things. When I read in the Big Book about the guy who put whiskey in his milk it tells us that “sometimes the insane thought wins out.”

Dr. Silkworth writes "The human mind has a marvelous ability to protect itself from outside influences. Although the conscious portion of the mind may have a sincere desire to find out what’s wrong and to it, the subconscious part will block any such effort by putting up a bewildering variety of misleading motivations, misinformation, and misdirections. The more important—the deeper—the particular hang-up is, the higher and thicker this wall will be. If the problem is big enough, the conscious thinking mind will not even be aware of its existence, and the mind that does become aware will still be powerless to do much about it."

Well, the mind alone may be powerless to do much about it. But I have a Power Greater Than Myself. So.... back into action, every step, fearlessly and thoroughly. But today, and for awhile I imagine, it’s the 2nd one that’s saving my life.

Keep A Light In Your Window

2008-12-01T17:19:00.000-08:00

These are such troubling times. Economic and environmental hardships seem to have everyone on edge. The holiday season has just started and already the media has warped its meaning with terms like “Black Friday”. How do we slide from gratitude and thanksgiving one day into consumerism and trampling each other outside of Wal-Mart in 24 hours?

I’m thinking of a lyric from an old Woody Guthrie song written during the great depression:

There's a long black cloud a hanging in the sky Honey;

Weathers gonna break and hells gonna fly

Is that what’s about to happen? Is Hell gonna fly? Some days it feels like it. Now more than ever I need to “practice these principles in all of my affairs.”

You would think this is not such a tall order after a number of years of sobriety. And in fact, I do have many of them incorporated into my daily life. By the grace of God and the guidance of my fellowship I have managed to put one foot in front of the other for a number of years now. I have learned a lot about honesty, integrity, justice, perseverance, hope and humility.

But there is one principle that is a continual challenge. And that is the principle of unwavering faith.

It is the foundation of this spiritual program that if we ask, our Higher Power will care for us. Simple as that. And yet this is the one that eludes me, ironically just when I need it the most. And what is even more ironic is that this principle is one we don’t even need to work for. This one is a gift ….all we have to do is ask. It’s called Grace, in the Big Book its called Providence. So I'm asking. And I'll ask tomorrow and the next day and the next...............

These are troubling times. Maybe all we can do is practice the principles, hold on tightly to one another, and keep a light in the window for those less fortunate than we are.

Page 347 NA Basic Text
"I will seek to improve my conscious contact with the Higher Power that cares for me. When the need arises, I know I will be able to trust in that care. "
Our program is based on the idea that the application of simple principles can produce profound effects in our lives. One such principle is that, if we ask, our Higher Power will care for us. Because this principle is so basic, we may tend to ignore it. Unless we learn to consciously apply this spiritual truth, we may miss out on something as essential to our recovery as breathing is to life itself. What happens when we find ourselves stressed or panicked? If we have consistently sought to improve our relationship with our Higher Power, we'll have no problem. Rather than acting rashly, we will stop for a moment and briefly remind ourselves of particular instances in the past when our Higher Power has shown its care for us. This will assure us that our Higher Power is still in charge of our lives. Then, we will seek guidance and power for the situation at hand and proceed calmly, confident that our lives are in God's hands. "Our program is a set of principles;' our White Booklet tells us. The more consistently we seek to improve our conscious appreciation of these principles, the more readily we will be able to apply them.
Just for Today: We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us.

Freedom In The Dark

2007-10-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

In Seeking Enlightenment . . . Hat by Hat, Nevada Barr, a mystery writer, reframes the importance of Halloween. It's not just a time of costumes and candy, it's a time for children to explore the dark.

"Goodness is a living thing, it needs to be tested, rediscovered by each of us in our own way so we can find out how to best use our idiosyncratic abilities to serve others. Halloween traditionally was the night we were given the freedom to explore the dark — not to find and be the evil but to see that the night was as beautiful as the day, that we were powerful, others were kind, that there was candy behind those closed doors and strangers who gave us treats.

"Being trusted to walk by ourselves in the world at night is an important ritual. That it comes but one day a year when we are small lets us discover this place, said to be inhabited by sinister forces, slowly and safely and by ourselves. On Halloween, we learn we can meet with our demons; that monsters are really and truly just us in other guises; that we can survive this interface. We learn that we are trustworthy; that our parents can dress us as demons, send us out into the night of demons to move among the demons and yet trust us to do nothing worse than to beg candy off the neighbors.
"When adult fears and conveniences take this world from us, herd us off to controlled environments, we learn that the world is indeed a horrifying place, that we are not safe in it, the demons are too much for us, neighbors offering candy are not above killing children, and we cannot be trusted to roam, even this one night a year without supervision.

"Halloween is too necessary to consign to the ash heap of ancient wisdoms. It is the one night set aside for our children to confront evil on their own terms. For me, it was the night I learned that evil was a construct of the mind and I need not be a part of it. Because of Halloween, I am free to walk alone in the dark."

Shooting For The Moon

2007-08-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

I received one of those emails that goes around the internet that shows a smiling farmer giving sage advice. One of the bits of wisdom he offers is “If you find yourself in a deep hole, stop digging.” So I did. Sorry to say that included blogging for the last two weeks. I really appreciate the emails and “hellos” I received while I have been away. It’s great to know that people read my little piece of the cyber sphere; and I want you to know that my affection for fellow bloggers is mutual.

I have officially started school, fast tracking 17 units in advanced addiction studies. I’m also still working since I never remember to buy a lotto ticket. My Higher Power has blessed me with a few newcomers who seem to think I can help, and I’ve been giving them whatever time I can spare. I am keeping my meeting schedule regular, because for ME that is critical. All in all this means I’ve turned off the computer and the TV and put aside anything that might distract me from what I’ve decided is my primary purpose for now.

It’s great to have goals today, and to know a little bit about how to prioritize time, follow through, and go after what I want in life. When I think back on the scared overwhelmed girl I used to be I am filled with gratitude. There was a time in my life when I was going nowhere…now I truly believe anything is possible.

If you are a regular reader, thank you for your patience while I shoot for the moon. I will post when I can. Meanwhile, I’m here….I’m sober…and I’m just bursting with gratitude.

The Cradle

2007-08-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

I was launched into the fourth dimension this morning and got to spend some time with my father. He has been dead for twenty four years now, but I felt him with me as surely as I feel these keys under my fingers. You can say its hooey but it happened.

The year of my dad’s death was the year of my daughter Jolie’s birth. She was eight months old when he passed away. When I was pregnant with Jolie Dad made her a cradle. He loved to work with wood and I believe he wanted to give Jolie something “of himself”. He built her something peaceful and lovely, a place for rocking and dreaming and feeling the cocoon of love.

One of my sponsees and dearest friends is expecting a baby soon and I will be a God Mother. I’ve offered her the use of the cradle. I dragged it out of storage to clean and oil the wood and polish the hardware. I was approaching it as a chore, "get it done and move on to the next thing on my agenda." I took a rag and started oiling the wood, and as I did I started seeing the cradle with my heart instead of my eyes. I saw every bit of love and detail that my dad poured into that gift in his final days. As I rubbed the wood I let my hand follow the same strokes as the stain he had applied; I let my eyes see what he saw when he built it. I felt him with me. As I was getting lost in all of this I realized that the song playing in the backround was Peter Gabriel's Solsbury Hill.

I did not believe the information

Just had to trust imagination

My heart going boom boom, boom

"Son," he said, "Grab your things, I've come to take you home."

Without a doubt my father knew I would be doing this someday…….oiling the wood on this cradle for my grand children or god children. See, the cradle was for Jolie, but THIS was his gift for me……24 years later.

We never know when our gifts will come. It is with great humility that I accept this one. I was not sober when my Dad passed away. I am now, and it is because of sobriety that I even recognize the gift. I wonder how many of life’s gifts might pass us by if we don’t pause and open our hearts and minds to the infinite possibilities that our Higher Powers have in store for us.

I hope my Dad knows that we have “broken the chain”. I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams and a generation of babies of sober parents can rock and dream away the night in the cradle he so lovingly built.

A Remote Spot

2007-08-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

My sweet friend is living the first part of A Vision For You. She's trying to find her way to the Jumping off Place. I looked up the definition of "Jumping off Place". It can mean either "a remote spot"...or a "spot where you begin a journey or new venture". I'm afraid she is in a remote spot.

She has known the conviviality, companionship and release from care, boredom and worry. But now she is down to the seeking out sordid places...... yearning to capture something that is just not there. I pray she will not be hurt. Our elevator does not have to go all the way to the bottom before we get off.

I love how A Vision For You Ends...how we all can trudge the road to a happy destiny. This is my prayer for her. Well, that is my prayer for all of us.

jumping-off place definition
n.
1. A beginning point for a journey or venture.
2. A very remote spot.

FOR MOST normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt-and one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did-then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen-Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. From A Vision For You pg 151 BB

Reach Out

2007-08-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

The title of Clarity Case's current post is Agony. Can you reach out and offer support?

Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
Page 152 A VISION FOR YOU from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Phases & Changes

2007-08-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

I posted not long ago about going off my hormone replacement medication. Well, sure enough, now there’s a hair growing out of my chin. I’m fairly certain I’ll grow a penis soon. I hope it’s a big one so I can win friends and influence people. I’ve heard there is a connection somehow.

You may laugh, but that’s how my mind operates. I hit a little bump in the road and assume I’m going right off the cliff. This kind of thinking sends me spinning and costs me my serenity. I used to like the “spinning”…in fact I think I might have been just as addicted to the drama in my life as I was to drugs or alcohol. Not any more. Now I treasure my serenity and have learned that I need to protect it at any cost.

My husband and I are facing some personal and professional challenges right now that are causing us to reevaluate some areas of our life. Nothing earth shattering, just life on life’s terms….but nonetheless it looks like we have some hard choices to make. I don’t like hard choices. When I have to make a hard choice it feels like the sky is falling. The truth is that the sky is NOT falling; I’m just getting closer to the sky because I’m growing.

Whatever we decide, I know it will be okay. I don’t need to know what “okay” looks like right now. I was talking to my sponsor tonight about the subject of change and willingness and God’s will for us. He pointed me towards the end of our 3rd step in the 12 and 12 where it talks about the misuse of will power. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. That helped me a lot. The answer is always the same: surrender and trust, more will be revealed. I may be a little low on courage, but I’m high on faith.

It Wasn't Wonderland

2007-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

I try not to pay attention to the media frenzy surrounding celebrities and their struggles with addiction. Lord knows I’m grateful there weren’t paparazzi and up to the minute coverage of my dismal days. On the other hand I admit I’m starting to get frustrated with the sense of entitlement that some celebrities seem to have. The cushy rehab experience doesn’t seem to be conjuring up the attitude of gratitude that is so vital to our recovery. Do we know how lucky we are to have this fellowship and these rooms? They used to just call us crazy….literally.

Back in the late 30 and early 40’s when AA was in its infancy there was a young star named Francis Farmer who was gorgeous, brilliantly talented and critically acclaimed for her work both on Broadway and in films. She unfortunately had a reputation for being rebellious and outspoken, and was considered by many to be uncooperative and offbeat because of the clothes she chose to wear and the old car she preferred to drive. Maybe she was the Lindsay Lohan or Britney of her era.

Whether it was due to stress of studio life, a series of failed marriages, or perhaps she was just genetically predisposed, Francis Farmer became addicted to alcohol and amphetamines. Her drinking and using resulted where it always does—jails and institutions. But for her that was the end of it. No AA, no cushy rehab for a celebrity, no second chance.

There are several websites that tell the story of Francis Farmer’s tragic life and eventual death. I’ll quote a little from a few of them. Beginning at the sanitarium, she was subjected to insulin shock treatment, “a brutal psychiatric torture that stuns the body in addition to inflicting extensive brain damage.” Reacting badly to the insulin shock – she received some 90 of these –.”

“In an attempt to break her defiant and rebellious will a new brutal treatment was added, “hydrotherapy.” Now illegal, this barbaric practice consisted of her being stripped naked and thrown into a tub of icy water for six to eight hours at a time. After several more months of this torture, she was publicly declared “completely cured” —a supposed model victory for what was then called the “mental hygiene” movement.

Conditions were barbaric: both criminals and the mentally retarded were crowded together, their meals thrown on the dirt floor to be fought over. Farmer was again subjected to regular and continuous electroshock. In addition, she was prostituted to soldiers from the local military base and raped and abused by the orderlies. “One of the most vivid recollections of some veterans of the institution would be the sight of Frances Farmer being held down by orderlies and raped by drunken gangs of soldiers.” She was also used as an experimental subject for drugs such as Thorazine, Stelazine, Mellaril and Prolixin.

What happened to Francis Farmer, an addict, and alcoholic, a brilliant woman of untold capacities to impact other lives is beyond tragic. But it does shine a light on the miracle of the 12 step fellowships. It is as though we have come out of the dark ages. I can’t imagine what she would have given for 30 days in Wonderland or Promises.

One Day At A Time

2007-07-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

From "The Housewife Who Drank at Home":

"A.A. gives us alcoholics direction into a way of life without the NEED for {alcohol, pills, lying, cheating, over eating, over spending, smoking till I'm raw, isolation, anger, blind rage...fear, fear & fear }

Are these things still part of my life? Yes. Do I need them? No.

That life for me is lived one day at a time, letting the problems of the future rest with the future. When the time comes to solve them, God will give me strength for that day.
"I had been brought up to believe in God, but I know that until I found this A.A. program, I had never found or known faith in the reality of God, the reality of His power that is now with me in everything I do."
© 2001 AAWS, Inc., Fourth Edition; Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 300

Bark Bark Bark

2007-07-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted for a week. Every time I sit down to write I draw a big blank…zero…zilch. It’s not as though there is nothing going on in Meg-land, quite the opposite, I’ve been overrun by “Life on Life’s Terms.” I saw the above cartoon and laughed. Yeah, I used to have a blog…..now my head just barks incessantly. So maybe that’s my post. Here’s the short list of what my head is barking about:

My doc took me off my hormones 3 weeks ago. There’s just too much risk of breast cancer with my family history. I’m rather fond of my ta ta’s so I’ll stick it out for now, but the mood swings and hormone flux has been a bitch.

One of my closest friends is in a relapse and struggling. I love her; I hate this disease.

I’m registering for school. It’s been many years since I went to college. I have a whole realm of emotions running in my head around this subject. Excitement, fear, anxiety bark bark bark.

Speaking of bark, coyotes were over the fence on the property again the other night. I forgot and left the back sliding door open. My dogs went rushing down the hill (Charlie is a slow learner or else fearless…) Anyway, Patrick broke it all up before there was any blood this time, but I’m still jumpy as a hen under the hogs, and not sleeping well.

My sister in law had a heart attack last week. Damn she’s only 2 years older than I am!

My mom had cataracts removed from her eyes yesterday. As she gets older, I worry more and wish we were closer geographically.

The housing market continues to flat line and my husband is working like a demon for very small potatoes. Very demoralizing......requires great faith.

There are a zillion other things running around in that little brain of mine too. That’s what we do……stinkin thinkin, until we are convinced we just can’t cope. The truth of the matter is that I have quality problems today, and I absolutely can cope! When I review my list, I have a home, a husband, medical care, education, family and friends. Sure there are challenges, but that’s life. I’m clean and sober today, even when my head is barking incessantly. I’ll focus on that attitude of gratitude and with HP's and your help, stay that way, 24 hours at a time.

Second Surrender

2007-07-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Our Rockin Girl Blogger Scout has asked me to post on the 7th Step. I just adore her, so I want to get this right. Ironic that the 7th step is about humility and here I am struggling with a desire to make this perfect. Perfection…perfection…now where did I put my perfection? I know it’s here somewhere. All I can do, Scout, is share with you what my incredible upline of sponsors have given me; and any wisdom I have gained from the “rooms” and my relationship with God.

I think of the 7th Step as my Second Surrender. The first surrender was the 3rd step. Each “surrender step” has a prayer and they are both actually really similar. I used to wonder why, it seemed to me we were doing the same thing twice, giving ourselves over to our Higher Power. The difference turns out to be “SELF” and “OTHERS”.

When I first got clean and sober my life was wrecked and I was spiritually sick. The urgent task at hand was all about ME ME ME and my messed up life. So the 3rd step prayer was about asking God to relieve ME of the bondage of SELF, take care of (you guessed it) ME, and relieve ME of my difficulties. And I incidentally made a bargain with Him that I would use this victory over my difficulties to help others. ( hey, I’m not just a taker!)

So, time went by, yada yada, I worked my 4th, 5th and 6th steps. Now I was living a totally different life. I felt changed, circumstances had improved, hope and faith were somewhat restored. I was no longer the urgent task at hand. But my sobriety will always be urgent so it was time to take that 7th step. In the 12 and 12 it says: The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God.

In other words I was told that if I wanted to stay sober it was time to lay it all out at my Higher Power’s feet and say “Here it all is. The good, the bad. Can we use any of this to get closer and to help me serve others? Will you help me get rid of what would stand in our way?”

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76

So that’s my experience, strength and hope on the 7th step Scout. Keep this prayer in your morning meditation. I have to remind myself daily that all of my shortcomings will be relieved on God’s timetable, not mine. For one thing, what I see as a very annoying defect, God may see as very rich material he can work with. (God works in mysterious ways). Secondly, I believe God won’t relieve me of a shortcoming if there is still “work” I need to do in that area. My Higher Power wants the very best for me. That’s the agreement we made, and we’re sticking to it.

The Journey

2007-07-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

IF THE TWELVE STEPS ARE A PATH ON A JOURNEY

WHERE ARE WE GOING ?

The Mask

2007-07-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time he hit me. I was so surprised….. not that he hit me, but at what it did to my face. It didn’t even seem like he hit me that hard, but in the mirror the next morning I was shattered. Eye swollen closed, a red and purple weeping nose, numbness throughout. He looked at me and said “but I didn’t even use my fist……….”

I wasn’t surprised because there had been signs before; a push, a shove, a twisted arm. It hadn’t particularly scared me. I knew he would eventually hit me. I just wondered when…and how…..and where. It never occurred to me to wonder why.

I knew the reason why. When we drank and used speed he got violent. It was part of the life and for a long long time I accepted it. I was not only an addict but also an addict’s wife. I had dual addictions …. to drugs and to him. There is such a significant correlation between substance abuse and domestic violence that drug and alcohol counselors are now trained in protocols for the treatment of both issues.

The first time he hit me was obviously not the last. The battering lasted on and off for years depending on the cycle of our disease. I do not want to write this from the viewpoint of a victim. I was not a victim. I was a willing participant. I knew where drugs would take us and I went there willingly over and over again. Cunning, Baffling and Powerful.

Living in active addiction is so shameful. There were so many many secrets. I didn’t want to grow up to be a drug addict and a battered wife, so I pretended not to be. I lived two lives shrouded in secrecy and shame. I isolated from family and friends and hid my reality. I put on a mask.

I left him when the fear finally overwhelmed me. I wasn’t afraid of him any longer. I was afraid of myself. I had begun to think of ways to hurt him. I was near my bottom with my using (still more than a year before I would eventually get sober). I knew I had to leave.

The gift of sobriety has helped me let go of some of the painful memories. I guess what remains is forgiveness and understanding for others who walk a similar path.

Today we have made our amends. He lives far far away and we are distant friends with bittersweet memories of a passionate love and a passionate hate. It seems like so many years ago, when drugs ruined our lives, I ravaged his soul and he shook my bones.